Today I decided to go through some of my old blog drafts.
Let me just tell you.... I was absolutely astounded at the sheer amount of The Hobbit, LotR, and Poldark posts that didn't get posted in the 2016-2016 era, I am afraid to look at how many actually did get posted! Dare I look through the archives...??
Looking through my old drafts was like an eerie trip down memory lane. It's been so long since I've thought about some of those old things I used to enjoy doing. I honestly can't believe that my life and identity tried so hard to revolve around what I was watching or reading.
Back in the old blogging days, I remember feeling intimidated by the amount of good blogs that I followed and who followed me, that I wanted to post content that blended in with what everyone else was posting!
Of course, I actually did like those things, but I felt this pressure to post. Not from someone, but from myself.
I'm not completely sure what the threat was. I knew that I was not supposed to be different. Or, maybe I just had a lack of authentic creativity, I needed to take inspiration from others to be interesting? I don't know, the blogs I followed were so good, I wanted my blog to be the same!
Being my authentic self has been something that I've struggled with for a long time in life. I think it stems originally from growing up in a controlling household that promoted legalism and shame towards differences, rather than embracing differences. If I could tell my ultra-conservative upbringing one thing (although let's be honest, there's many things I would tell it), it's that not all differences are bad.
If I want to listen to rock music in my bedroom, that shouldn't be something to yell at.
Man, if my childhood could have had more pop punk music! But in those days, even confidence in children was something looked down upon. If a child was too confident, they were "a brat" or they were "bouncing off the walls".
Looking back at all of my old posts, talking about things that I actually did enjoy doing, I'm struck by how much of myself I've forgotten.
The time period of 2019 through 2022 changed me completely as a person because of several major life occurances, and some traumas brought on by, I'll just come clean, manipulative and controlling family members. And I feel like ever since 2022, the changes and decisions have only intensified, building up on each other.
Through it all, I feel like a part of me went into hibernation, just to get through it. As a result, there are entire chunks of my life I just don't remember. I live days wondering who I am, and where I came from. In the intensity of difficulty, my brain chooses to forget. It's my cope, and it's something I've realized and been trying to heal.
The good news is, there is healing. I am slowly remembering. I'll randomly remember pieces and instances of my childhood (the good ones!) and I'll excitedly tell my husband "I'm getting another memory!" And I'll also fight against it. For example, if in the middle of a difficult conversation, dare I say, at times "argument" with my husband, I'll catch and stop myself shutting down and instead do the right thing in the moment. Not always, however!
And at this point of my life, it feels like there are so many easy distractions at our fingertips to help us dissociate and forget what we are going through. Emotionally drained? Just scroll. It's an easy fix with dopamine hits sure to satisfy... in the short term at least.
I too have been guilty of falling down this pattern of destructive habits that is the swirling vortex void of the internet and all it's distractions from the mundane.
But, here's a thought, what if life is supposed to be boring?
What if the mundane is utterly, purely blessed?
What if the day in and day out, is a holy process, filled with meaning and life?
I've decided I don't want to miss out on that.
Also the fact that I'm finding it harder to have an original thought.
My mind will blank in the middle of conversation, I will even avoid conversations about controversial or difficult topics because I don't trust myself to voice the reason of my own convictions, my own opinions even. Which is odd considering I'm an opinionated person.
No more! In the coming days, including the here and now, my desire is to pursue focus, purpose, intentionality, and authenticity.
I'm coaxing my psyche and my body that there is no more reason to be afraid, there is no more trauma to worry about. I have cut off the toxic people in my life. Difficult decisions, to be sure, but it turns out they are the most life giving decisions I have made. I have reached a point of healing where I'm figuring out how to shift from surviving to thriving, now that I don’t have to worry about it.
I have already gained so much maturity in myself that even I can see it, in the year's time since I went no-contact. The boundaries have been fully and firmly held, and my emotional well being has done nothing to thank me for it ever since.
I feel like a prisoner set free! No longer controlled. No longer shamed. No longer the receiver of unwanted opinions and judgments.
I have my husband, I have my baby, I have my apartment, I have my job, and I have my walk with GOD, which has ALWAYS been there for me.
Even in the crazy days of 2020 and 2021, where the vibrancy of my walk with GOD reached an intensity that I had never experienced before or since.
I should share my 2020 testimony sometime! It started by dating in all the wrong people and it ended... with GOD. And also, surprisingly, a husband! Which I did not expect at all!
Will save this for another day.
I promise to start posting more often.
In the name of getting back into my old self, and finishing things that were left undone from years gone by.
From the real me, this time. On my journey of authenticity and healing!
Starting with, this collection of quotes that was in my drafts, from 8/16/19.
Until next post ...
---
-John MacArthur, "The MacArthur Study Bible, Acts 16"
"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us."
-A.W. Tozer
"The legs in the stocks feel nothing when the heart is in heaven."
-John MacArthur, "The MacArthur Study Bible, Acts 16"
"The world wants you to be entertained by sin as if it is a recreation or right and not a poison."
-Bible Study Fellowship Notes for 2 Samuel 13-18
"A whole lot of what we call struggling is simply delayed obedience."
-Elizabeth Elliot
"How could love bring such overflowing joy and such deep heartache at the same time?"
-Where We Belong, by Lynn Austin
"A man is what he thinks about all day long"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Rockbottom will teach you things that mountain tops never will."
-Unknown
“What they’re not sorry for, they’re bound to repeat”
-Unknown
“If you’re going to grow, something has to be taken off and something has to be put in its place. That’s what we do when we change clothes. That’s why we refer to this as the principle of replacement.”
-Steve Viars on Ephesians 4 (from Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl's Heart by Bethany Beal and Kristen Clark page 179)
“The devil wrapped in silk is still the devil”
-Unknown
-Amaris ☆ //
