Grieving the Living

Hello Friends - 

If you have been reading this blog for the past 1-2 years or so, you may recall reading that my husband and our family made the decision to go no contact with a family member awhile back. 

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This is a topic that has come up several times here on the blog. That fact reflects the reality of my life, in that the processing and grieving is a frequent thing for me.

Every day our north facing windows get just a single gleam of sunlight in the late afternoon. Who better to benefit than my lowly and lovely pothos? 

I won't discuss in detail who the family member was, (though you don't have to be a Pinkerton level detective to piece together who it is based on my past posts, LOL) because this post is about my thoughts not on the person, but on the aftermath, and my journey with forgiveness and the rollercoaster of ups and downs that come with all of it. 

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The amount of time that has passed since the no-contact decision was made (in 2023) has given me ample time to process it, heal from it, grow from it, as well as feel all the feelings associated with it a million times over. 

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The feeling that I would never escape the anger and pain was very prominent in the weeks following the initial cutoff. I worried, too, about the fact that I was feeling those feelings in the first place. After all, I don't want to be some unforgiving, angry, embittered individual who hated the memory and impact of this person (who shall henceforth be referred to as "the narc" for ease of writing).

This was taken the same month that I went no contact with the person. We were visiting Webster Groves and had a lovely time with our still-new son.

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But the hope of the situation is that I have learned some very important truths from October 2023 through July 2025: 

❀ I don't need to be worried about the angry and bitter phases of this process ❀ 

It is perfectly appropriate to allow each stage of grief to come and go multiple times over, including the phases where I am angry and feeling resentful. This is a natural and complex part of the grieving process. 

My small child at our favorite coffee shop

❀  The process of grief is not predictable and should not be put on a time limit ❀ 

A huge part of this fact is managing the expectations. I would have expected to be "healed" and "happy" about the whole thing by now. But the reality is, focusing on how long this thing is taking is just distracting from the real work and effort of healing at all. It does me no good to indulge in the disappointment of thinking "Hey! I thought I already healed and forgiven this part!" But instead to extend patience to myself, much like I would extend patience with my toddler, when he has difficult moods, or even my husband. I deserve the same care of patience as they deserve to receive it from me.

Our favorite coffee shop has the coziest and cutest chairs!

❀ Each and every stage of the healing journey can be felt, and should be felt freely ❀ 

But each of the feelings should be felt objectively, and with the understanding that the feelings aren't me. They are passersby. Here today, gone tomorrow. They too, shall pass. My identity is not determined by how I am feeling, but by what I believe, and what the Bible tells me I am in Christ.

❀ Working through feelings of anger, bitterness, and even un-forgiveness isn't a "sin" problem ❀ 

In fact, it's a reflection of the feeling nature that GOD made us as emotional beings, in HIS image! Now don't get me wrong, intentionally choosing to indulge in these feelings can be problematic, and at times, sinful. But allowing them to pass through me and around me, being an observer, is normal and an important part of understanding that I am not those feelings! 

Upshot Coffee Brake Shop

❀ Hope and progress is evidenced by the fact that every time I complete a phase of anger, I am more healed when it is over ❀ 

If I were to over-occupy myself in worrying about and micromanaging the times that I feel angry, then I would be too caught up in self-correcting myself and miss the opportunities to learn what GOD has for me in that phase. 

❀ I've come to acknowledge and accept that in the larger picture, the pain won't ever go away fully, but life will just get bigger around it ❀ 

After all, what is life full of, besides this pain of loss? 

I get to:

• Focus on and spend time with the people who really know me.
• Focus on getting to know myself, and watching my hobbies, interests, and values evolve with time.
• Try new things intentionally, and not be complacent in ways that are not healthy or helpful for progress.
• Focus on improving my own mentalities about life with self-reflection and self-examination, because not tolerating the narc's behavior, means that I also should not tolerate it in myself.
• Get closer to GOD who made me, and allowed me all the feelings that come with a complicated situation.

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Well friends, that's all for now. 

The thoughts above don't necessarily have to apply to the particular grief I am experiencing with losing a family member that I no longer speak to. 

They can apply to many difficult decisions in life, and any regret. If I've learned anything besides what I talk about above, it's that there are lots of things in life that can cause grief, not just by losing someone. 

So if you are in a season of grieving, or know someone who is (for ANY reason), just know that I'm praying for you. And I hope you are encouraged by the words above!

Until next time - 

p.s. I also wanted to throw out there, that a big part of me learning to heal and grow from the situation is actually, surprisingly, NOT talking about it that much. When everything was fresh, I used to often include it in an introduction to myself, or at least include it in conversation within the first few talks with a person I was getting to know. It was getting to be very "Hi, my name is Amaris and this [Insert Trauma Here] happened to me". Such a drag, right! I came to this realization, and had to stop myself - because the more I was doing that, the more I was making the situation a part of my identity, a part of me. And the last thing I want to do is let this all develop into a victim mentality. 

Maybe, just maybe, I don't even need to talk about this until, like, I don't know, I'm at a much deeper level of friendship with people I trust and who would benefit from hearing my story. 

Revolutionary, I know. I'm learning! And that's all I can do. 

All that to say... after this post, I'm planning to not mention it very much here on the blog, if at all. Because... at this point, why? Yes, it played a part in making me who I am. But there are so much MORE and BETTER things that have made me who I am. Things that have determined what I enjoy today. Things that determine what I believe in today. Things that make me... me today. 

So my intention is to focus on these things instead, for the most part. That is not to say, that I don't plan to talk about difficult things in my life I'm going through. I do plan on that, and will do so, because otherwise I don't think this blog would be an authentic representation of my thoughts that it always has been or that I desire it to be! 

I just want to have discernment with how much I put out there, how often, and keeping in mind WHO I am choosing to become by how little or how much I talk about it. 

There, that's all for real this time. NOW I'm done. Ok, go enjoy the rest of your day. :)

- Amaris ☆ //