I've realized in recent weeks, how important feedback is to me. I like to know that I'm on a good path, a good track, and like I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. It's not necessarily people pleasing. I think it's deeper than that.
I crave a sense of direction. Perspective. It doesn't have to come from people, but it has to come from something. A lot of times I get it from myself, when I can. Or other people. I crave someone older and wiser than me, to tell me how I'm doing. But here's the part that makes it not a people pleasing thing ... I don't want it to be fake feedback. I don't want praise. I want ugly truth and grit in my feedback. I want true, honest perspective about where I am at in life, beyond what I can see for myself. In my job. In my spiritual walk. I get really insecure about what I don't know... so much that I let it ruin what I do know.
One of the most powerful nights of my life, a cool April evening in 2021 after a Casting Crowns concert, was just that because I was given something I had never had before... honest feedback on my spiritual walk. Growing up, in home, church, homeschool circles, or life, I never had that. I had never had honest perspective on how I was doing or what I was doing on my walk with God except for a very few, precious times. That night after the concert, I was doing a favor and driving home a new friend, from a concert that we both attended. A guy named Cody.
At the time, we had known each other only a few months, but we had both been drawn to the other by our separate spiritual walks. I was coming out of a severely heartbreaking season of life, where I was pushing God to the back burner and chasing every desire I thought would make me happy, up until it all crashed and burned and I decided that I didn't want to get in my own way and end up in hurtful situations caused by me anymore. Cody was in a stage of life when he was experiencing God every day, like a smoldering fire that constantly fueled him as he went about life, counseling and discipling friends and church people who found themselves lost or confused about who God was.
The thing that struck me about Cody, in that early friendship (and still today) is how rock-solid his faith was. He had experienced God, and that's all he needed to be completely on fire for Him and to let the Lord convict him and dictate his life and thoughts every day. I had experienced God too, but for some reason I doubted the things I knew to be true. I was pretty sure I knew what was true, and what God could do. But I hesitated when talking about it, or acting on those facts, because I didn't want to make a mistake. To describe the difference between Cody and I in that manner, is like swimming in a questionable body of water in the wilderness that God told us was safe. Neither of us disbelieved God. But I would tip-toe in, wading very gently deeper and deeper, checking my surroundings every few seconds, peering into the water for any sign of danger, just in case. As if I didn't believe. Cody, on the other hand, would just find the deepest end and dive in head first. God told him it was safe, that's all Cody needs.
On that April night after I drove him home, we sat outside his house and just talked. And he told me all the things that I knew already, but doubted. It was like affirmation. Confirmation. It might not sound like a big deal, but that night it blew my mind. I had never experienced that. To have someone speak so boldly to me about what God had already been telling me but I had been doubting, was just what I needed at the time.
You might know already that Cody and I ended up falling in love months later, as the LORD brought us through many trials together. But even before we ever had feelings for each other (or wanted to... we both were pretty confident that we were just going to be friends forever... *insert sarcastic laugh here*), I realized pretty early on that I could trust Cody. Because he navigated life by God's word in his heart and mind, and he didn't question that, even as I was full of questioning.
But here's the thing, Cody is not a replacement for God's feedback into my life. Cody served the LORD by giving me what I needed in my heart at the time, but the reason I find myself depressed is because I can't get the feedback I feel like I need and want in various areas of my life, where even Cody can't tell me. Like at my job. I haven't had a lot of feedback lately, which can be kind of stressful and frustrating when trying to navigate a new position. I want to know how I'm doing! Am I on a good track? Is there a way to go about this task or project or situation or season that could be better for my development and experience?
I am finding I must constantly and consistently put aside my nervousness about whether I'm doing the right thing at work, and just focus with confidence on what I know that God says about me in His word, and what He says directly to my heart as I navigate life. It's a constant call to let go of the burden so I can instead hold on to God's words.
These concepts are still something I am chewing on in my brain and heart. Even as I type this post, I'm not worrying about making anything sound organized or structured, I'm just letting my brain flow into my fingers as they type onto this digital page. Kudos to you if you've read this long into the post with the chaos of it all. But that's the way life is. It's constant and chaotic. It's impossible to understand. It's impossible to know where I am or what path I'm on or who I am.
I can only rely on the thing that I really can. What does God say about me?
I hope you are all doing well. Thank you for reading along with me as I navigate the craziness of my heart today.
Until next time.
