So here are some vulnerabilities to shed things in a more realistic light.
I'm nobodies favorite friend and wish I was. The friends I thought I've had and been close to throughout my life have either left, were fake to begin with, or we've just grown apart. I've always been the flotter, and it feels like when I'm invited to things, it's only done out of courtesy or as an afterthought. It feels like with everyone I know, I'm on that weird level where I'm "friend" enough to be on your Facebook, and maybe an occasional "how are you" text, but not to get invited to anything. I'm not the one who gets called at 3am because you're pregnant, I'm not the one that someone runs across the restaurant to because they haven't seen me in forever. I've always had the feeling that I'm on the outside looking in and I struggle with understanding if it's because of something I need to improve in my vulnerabilities (or something else), or if it's a contentment issue on my part, or if people really are just that surface level and have no desire to get to know someone they don't know that well.
I'm insecure that I don't have a family foundation, and it's intimidating that I have to build one myself from scrath. I want my growing family to be nothing like my past family. The holiday season is difficult for a lot of people. And much as I don't miss the family dynamic and dysfunction that I used to be apart of, I do wish I had people in those roles in my life to laugh with and connect with this time of year. A mother, siblings, even a father (I'm actually close with my father, but he resides several states away, so while I know I have his support, it still feels lonely and like I don't have as much support as I wish I did). I'm in the awkward stage of life where I have left my toxic original family behind, but my new family is still so young that nothing is really fully healed or figured out or firm yet. It's something I always struggle with feeling like I don't have anyone/anything to fall back on or even to talk to who knows me and can help me.
I'm the only one I know who has gone 'no contact' with toxic family members, and it can be a very lonely time. People I've told about my family story/situation have one of two reactions typically. Either they judge (although by this point, I've weeded out these ones for the most part, and anyone new that I tell who judges, I don't care or I just don’t talk to them anymore about it), or they are understanding and offer prayers and support. BUT they can't relate. No one can. No one in my circle has done this. I actually have a friend who went through almost an identical situation with their family around her engagement and marriage, but the difference is she didn't go no contact at the end of it. She is still in touch with her family (but with really firm boundaries). And I'm saying, that's fine for her. She can do what she wants. But I see stress in her from her mother's toxic comments and boundary pushing that I don't think she sees in herself, I can see the way her personality has grown in a way that is accommodating to her mother's toxicity and manipulation and I don't want that for me.
I'm insecure about my body image. My mother used to hyper-fixate on her looks (and as such automatically, my looks as well), and as a result I am now an insecure adult trying to separate myself from the lie that the more weight I gain, the more I look and feel like my mom looked, and becoming her is my worst nightmare. It's not easy retraining my brain to view a concept entirely different from how I was raised, and I am not always very good at it.
I feel guilty about having a full time job and wish I could spend more time outside and with my son. I feel GOD shifting the landscape in the area of both my husband and my jobs, and am waiting and watching for His direction, but it's hard to be patient and content in the meantime, especially when my body hurts at the end of the day for literally sitting the entire day. I subsequently feel guilty for FEELING GUILTY since I know I am so fortunate to have a work from home job that allows me to be with my son all day every day (even if not directly playing with/interacting with him as much as I want), while making the money that I do which brings much security to our family.
I struggle with discipline and commitment. I have in my head always the inspiration and aspirations of improvements that I know I need to make and keep in my life. Such as exercising more, embracing tradition and rituals that are honoring to myself and GOD, being faithful at reaching out to people, as well as maintaining healthy boundaries and habits such as time on my phone. It's something that I'm exploring in myself because I don't really know why I am so bad at it. But I know if I want to continue to grow and get better as a person, I need to be able to stick with something new.
So there you have it, these are some areas that I struggle with and felt compelled to share the vulnerabilities, to spread the hope for myself as well as for anyone who might read this. You are not alone. I know there are others out there who have gone through issues with family and now are no contact as I am, even if I don't know you personally. It's a unique situation to be in, and I'm still understanding how my role plays a part in it, so that I can create new and better future for my own family (aka, breaking chains!).
If you have something you feel compelled to share, feel free to reach out to me in the comments or directly. And know, you are not alone. God's word does not return void, and neither does hard work.
-Amaris ☆ //
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