Hating Christians?

As one who has been in Christian circles my whole life...

I’ve met countless people who suck at the ideal Christian identity. People who judge when they should show mercy, who are complacent when they should be convicted. Who treat Jesus as a trophy or bragging piece that sits on their mantle. Cheaters, thieves, narcissists, liars who commit every evil, all while claiming Christianity. 

The reality of the situation is that the very nature of people is to corrupt what is good.

There isn’t an organization in the world that doesn’t have corrupt people involved. They’re in every government, religion, charity, corporation, institution, industry, company, etc. 

In reality, Jesus is the only good thing to have ever been to this world or will ever come back. This is the very reason why a relationship with Him changes everything. 

Personally, I have struggled with applying the label of “Christian” to myself. I hate terms like “Not Christian enough”or “I need to do X to be a good Christian”, because there is nothing you can DO to “be a good Christian”. 

Rather, when you believe in Jesus, He becomes the only good thing in you. 

Only once focus is taken off your efforts and yourself entirely and placed on Christ (the ONLY mediator between us and GOD) can you partake in this life-changing relationship offered, while being seen with approval by GOD. 

This is the difference of “relationship” vs “religion”. 

I hate religion - maybe that’s where my hesitancy to call myself a “Christian” comes from. I don’t want to be mistaken as religious. To me, that is the worst misidentification, since my relationship with Jesus is what should dictate how my life is lived. Not ritual, sacrifice, or some higher sense of moralism. 

Looking around at people who hate Jesus, Christians, or GOD because of sin people have done - I cannot help but think: "Beloved, If you only KNEW who He truly is and what He does for us by His sacrifice!"

For me, it’s the way He has never left. Even when I have put Him aside to pursue my own desires.

Equally, it’s the way He has tenderly and protectively led me out of abusive and sinful situations and into seasons and places of serenity, peace, and support while identifying me as His beloved. There is no greater security, no higher sense of purpose!

This relationship GOD craves with us, so much that He sent His son to die for a gross, gritty, self-righteous world. You and I are included in that worldly lot. 

This love is free and plenty. 

And it waits for YOU! 

- Amaris ☆ //

Reflecting on 2024 ...

...And Contemplating the Difficulty of Making Hard Decisions

This is one of those years that I can confidently say that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. 

A year ago, I said goodbye to some meaningful people in my life, which was not easy to do at all.

There were many times when I thought I was making a mistake. That I asked myself "what if I am wrong"? What should my future be? How do I view my past? How long will my present be so painful? 

One of the most meaningful songs to me during this time, was "Catch Me" by Elyssa Smith.

If I fall, will You catch me? If I get lost, will You find me? I feel afraid of leaving what's safe, but I can't stay here. If I walk through that doorway, and the look on their face says I'm crazy. I'm learning that risks feel like mistakes. But isn't that called faith? 

What if the doors all close and lock, and I find out I chased a mirage? Wondering if I even heard You at all. What if the cost is too high to pay? I'd rather you take the cup away, and I second guess if the choice I made was worth it? 

Have you ever had to make a decision in your life that was so scary you were terrified to jump? You wanted to do what's right, but the sheer terror clouded your judgement, because what if the decision you made was a mistake? 

But, the song continues - 

But what if Heaven is cheering me on? David's pleading, "Sing your song", Mary's shouting "Waste it all He's worth it!" And You WILL catch me! I know You'll catch me.

These words reverberated through my mind and comforted me during my season of doubt in early 2024. I was not sure of myself, but I was sure that I couldn't stay where I was. I know now, without a doubt, that I made the right decision.

In 2024, I learned that once a decision is made in life, you can pretty soon tell if it was the right decision by what things follow in the months, and even years after. Do things evolve to be better, or worse?

I've learned that sometimes you have to just commit, even if you aren't sure. Because if you wait until "the time is right", or "everything is ready", you may never get to that perfect time to act, and you'll miss out on the faith building that comes with making the difficult decision. Additionally, I've learned that life is a blessing and a beautiful thing despite any hardships. Life is not all about "I've just gotta get through this trial, then I'll be ok again." Trials are like winter. And Winter is not bad. It's just different and can be hard, especially if you're not prepared or don't have a good attitude about what you're dealing with. In fact, Winter is one of those blessed seasons that slows us down and make us contemplate on the things that really matter. And we would be truly lost without those times. Reflective periods are essential!

I'm immensely proud of myself this year. I have become a more graceful and patient human. I have learned to speak my mind with love, and hold my boundaries firm. I learned to objectively examine what I want in life, and what is not serving me, or allowing me to serve GOD to my fullest potential. 

While I know there will be painful times in the future, I know that I have built the resilience and the faith that will serve me during those times. 

My 2025 Vision Board! I made this at a workshop I attended at Jane's House of Wellbeing, here in St. Charles, MO

I'm very excited for this year, and I plan to continue blogging the journey!

Amaris ☆ //

Wintering Rituals // The Blood Orange ⋆⁺₊❅.

The rythmic rituals of Winter are built into nature all around us. GOD has crafted each season so perfectly, that each one has it's own unique beauties and pleasures, which are to be found in no other season.

These small gifts given to me, teach me how to slow down and savor each season for it's own special blessings. 

The Blood Orange ⋆⁺₊❅.  

Citrus are one of the many foods in season for Winter. I was struck the other day when I was tempted to cut a blood orange into wedges to enjoy it's wonderful taste. When something stopped me and urged me to peel it instead. It's as if GOD through His creation urged me to enjoy this beautiful fruit a different, more savoring way. In this modern day, we have plenty of ways to quickly and easily dig into an orange to enjoy it as quickly as possible, with no time wasted. 

But what if the slow method is not wasted time, but blessed time? 

I sat there, gently peeling the pith of the orange, delicately and slowly coaxing the natural wedges apart. 

And as I pulled apart the wedges, that created a flap that made the pith even easier (and more satisfying) to peel off, revealing the juicy pulp underneath.

I realized as I worked, that this was not something to be rushed. If you rush, you'll burst the little pulpy juice vesicles, and your wedge will not be a complete unit anymore, but rather a torn apart, dripping mess (though still delicious). 

No - This is a sacred practice in gentle methodicalness. See how when pulling apart the wedges, it almost looks like a butterfly! 

My husband called this blood orange butterfly a "blood-orange-erfly"

In a world with a conveniently placed McDonald's and a Starbucks on every street corner (at least in America, where food is poison), a phone in every pocket at the ready for unlimited amounts of information, and a car in almost every driveway, the human race has become conditioned to expect things quickly. I'm terribly guilty of this myself. 

So many times have I habitually pulled out my phone when going to the bathroom, hanging out in bed, passing slow times at work. I cringe when I remember how many times I've turned to my phone for a quick dopamine hit when in the thick of a fight with my husband. 

While my phone habits are far from the healthy patterns I am striving for, I've noticed my relationship with myself (my self reflection and self awareness, especially understanding my role in a problem), and my relationship with my husband have drastically improved when I have allowed those "in-between" moments to just exist. To just be. Without me trying to change anything or add anything to them to help pass the time, or to help make it easier to digest. Our "fights" have improved! Not only by making the arguments we do have more respectful and more productive for both parties, but by reducing the amount of fights we need to have in the first place. 

To summarize these reflections, I'm realizing more and more that I need to be bored. I need to be slow. I need methodical rhythms that slow I down enough to appreciate the beauty around me. In such small ways as the blood orange, GOD has curated each season with built-in ways to slow down. This is His design! It's his blessing on me. I want to relish it.

This is something I'm still learning, but want to continue to prioritize this thinking in the new year (it's almost 2025!) 

Speaking of, I am thinking of making a "2024 Recap" post, but need to hash out my thoughts on it a little more. In short, I'm very proud of myself and the headway I've made this year in improving myself as a person, healing, and growing in love. Very importantly, I'm proud of how much my self-reflection and self-awareness has improved, along with looking at a situation objectively. These are things I've had to teach myself, (and am still teaching myself) because they are not concepts I grew up with.

Until next time...   ‧₊˚🍊༉‧₊˚.    

-Amaris ☆ //

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇ ... a note from 10 years ago ... ⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

 December 10th, 2014

10:26pm | Wednesday

This morning I got up around 8 but stayed in my room until 10 because the ADT security guy was here reinstalling some equipment, and I wasn't dressed. I read chapters 2-4 of Jane Eyre. It's for my school literature. Before this, I did Trusting GOD, and afterwards, I will do The Scarlet Pimpernel.

I love books and writing, and I consider myself a word-hoarder. I look up words and ponder what they mean. And when the time comes, I use it. One of my favorite words in my mind is nostalgia. Basically, it means fondly remembering a past time and wishing you were still experiencing it. 

For example, I feel nostalgic about last summer. The summer of 2013. All summer long I read books and looked up words. It wasn't a hot summer. There were flowers, and green grass. There were stars.

This past 2014 summer, I did crafts and stories and Pinterest, pretty much. It was a fun time. Also Anne of Green Gables series. Winter isn't so bad, though. Sure, it is bleak and forlorn, but those aren't bad things are they? No...

But still, I am already looking forward to the spring storms. Those dark blue skies. Those turned up leaves. That delicious stormy smell! 

Nostalgia.

I refuse to listen to Narnia or the Lord of the Rings music until I can walk outside again. I've been walking quietly up and down my hallway. I'm playing soundtracks on the piano, but I wont listen to them until spring. I've been listening to Owl City lately. Since last Christmas that's been pretty much how it has been. Owl City in Winter (I like listening to him better when I'm depressed; which I often am in the Winter), and soundtracks (and writing tutorials!) in Spring and Summer, walking through the green.

By that time, I will have ahad a birthday in January. I'll be Seventeen.

Seventeen.

Seems pretty old. At least it did a few years ago. 

Sometimes I can feel my youth slipping through my hands. I know I sound like an old woman when I say that, but it's true. In ten years, I will miss those days with a nostalgic sorriow that cannot be quenced. So I am enjoying my youth as much as I can. Of course, that will make the time pass all the faster. 

Just like this summer. I was so relieved to welcome it back only. just a few seconds ago, and now it's gone forever. I'll never get it back. 

But it is a pleasant feeling, remembering those times reading about Anne Shirley (Blythe!), and storing up words in my little jewel box of knowledge.

I know I will grow old all too soon. For now, I admire my hands. How smooth they are! Not a single wrinkle. And my face. My shoulders...

All so shapely and beautiful.

Us human beings truly are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I pray to justify my growing elderliness. 

-Amaris ☆ //

Internal Seasons

My life changed when I learned about the seasons. 

Not just the yearly seasons that we all know about... I'm talking about internal seasons/phases.

Since I was a child, and especially since being about 12 years old, I knew that in some capacity, the female body operated on a monthly cycle. The problem at that time, unknowingly, was that my education on the topic did not exist beyond "every month you release an egg. If you don't get pregnant, you have a period". That's quite literally the only information I had. 

It wasn't until my first couple of months of marriage (at the age of 24) when I needed to prevent pregnancy but didn't want to take a med, that I learned there is so, so much more involved. Spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, and otherwise. In fact, my entire life hinges on these flowing and circling internal changes. More so than I ever realized. 

Another common misconception I had before I was 24, was that one could get pregnant if one had relations at any point throughout their cycle. I literally thought that. I had never heard the words "fertile + window" together in my life, the concept was completely foreign to me. 

What is the saddest part of all, is that periods were looked at as somewhat of a bother, even a terrible thing. "Yeah, periods suck. They cause cramps and it's messy. Here's a pad." But, now I know. Now I understand. Periods are anything but a bother. They are Winter. And Winter is Good.

In the past year, I've learned that every season has its purpose. I was absolutely one of those people that saw winter as a depressing, dark and needless season that I just needed to get through so it could be spring again. I wish I could see the look on 16-year-old me's face if someone told her "Winter is not for just getting to the other side. It's a built-in sanctuary of time in the female body and in the yearly calendar in which GOD set aside for us to nourish, rest, dwell, reflect, and honor ourselves with peace." ...WHAT??

A side note on the "yearly" winter: Holiday commercialism is a huge problem. Not only does it cause enormous amounts of waste that harm our environments and fellow humans, but the constant need to keep up with the times and attend every Christmas party and rush to buy gifts, make cookies, wrap gifts, decorate, and more leave many exhausted, depressed, and sick every winter. Turns out the reason is because we were intrinsically designed for rest during Winter. Everything slows down in the winter. Everything from nature, even down to the atoms in the atmosphere, and we should too. We're designed for it. 

As for the internal seasons, I've had a lot of fun growing in my knowledge of that area since I got married, but especially this year. 

Every season is a ritual. 

Eery season has a purpose. 

Every season is about honoring who we are as a body, a mind, a soul.

~*~

⊹ ₊  ݁. ✩ ~ Menstrual ~ ✩ . ݁₊ ⊹ 

Resembles: Winter 

Activity: Lowest energy

Sexual: Lowest sex drive + bleeding

Practice | Ritual: Dwell & Nourish 

~*~

⊹ ₊  ݁. ✩ ~ Follicular  ~ ✩ . ݁₊ ⊹

Resembles: Spring

Activity: Rising energy

Sexual: Rising sex drive + some sticky vaginal fluid

Practice | Ritual: Anticipate & Awaken

~*~

⊹ ₊  ݁. ✩ ~ Ovulatory  ~ ✩ . ݁₊ ⊹

Resembles: Summer 

Activity: Peak energy

Sexual: Peak sex drive + Lots of runny vaginal fluid

Practice | Ritual: Experience & Relish 

~*~

⊹ ₊  ݁. ✩ ~ Luteal  ~ ✩ . ݁₊ ⊹

Resembles: Autumn

Activity: Decreasing energy

Sexual: Decreasing sex drive + Little or no vaginal fluid

Practice | Ritual: Reflect & Decompress

If you're interested in learning more, I'll leave you to the power of Google. You know how to type. This can at least get you started.

Man, if I had only learned about this earlier! Like, 12 years old even! I may not have been so afraid of my period. It might not have been viewed as the big bad thing that haunted me every month and made me faint with cramps and made me anxious to go out of the house for fear I wouldn't be prepared. Worse, I didn't know how to track properly, so I never knew exactly when my period was coming! What a nightmare. I'm so grateful for this knowledge now.

My goal in life is to keep learning. Sure, there are a lot of things I wish I knew sooner. There are times when I'm angry at the person and people that could have taught me better, but didn't. 

But the last thing I want to do is to waste time an energy regretting the past when I can spend that effort on learning new things, growing, and becoming a better version of myself. 

-Amaris ☆ //

Social Media is a Highlight Reel

 So here are some vulnerabilities to shed things in a more realistic light.

I'm nobodies favorite friend and wish I was. The friends I thought I've had and been close to throughout my life have either left, were fake to begin with, or we've just grown apart. I've always been the flotter, and it feels like when I'm invited to things, it's only done out of courtesy or as an afterthought. It feels like with everyone I know, I'm on that weird level where I'm "friend" enough to be on your Facebook, and maybe an occasional "how are you" text, but not to get invited to anything. I'm not the one who gets called at 3am because you're pregnant, I'm not the one that someone runs across the restaurant to because they haven't seen me in forever. I've always had the feeling that I'm on the outside looking in and I struggle with understanding if it's because of something I need to improve in my vulnerabilities (or something else), or if it's a contentment issue on my part, or if people really are just that surface level and have no desire to get to know someone they don't know that well.

I'm insecure that I don't have a family foundation, and it's intimidating that I have to build one myself from scrath. I want my growing family to be nothing like my past family. The holiday season is difficult for a lot of people. And much as I don't miss the family dynamic and dysfunction that I used to be apart of, I do wish I had people in those roles in my life to laugh with and connect with this time of year. A mother, siblings, even a father (I'm actually close with my father, but he resides several states away, so while I know I have his support, it still feels lonely and like I don't have as much support as I wish I did). I'm in the awkward stage of life where I have left my toxic original family behind, but my new family is still so young that nothing is really fully healed or figured out or firm yet. It's something I always struggle with feeling like I don't have anyone/anything to fall back on or even to talk to who knows me and can help me.

I'm the only one I know who has gone 'no contact' with toxic family members, and it can be a very lonely time. People I've told about my family story/situation have one of two reactions typically. Either they judge (although by this point, I've weeded out these ones for the most part, and anyone new that I tell who judges, I don't care or I just don’t talk to them anymore about it), or they are understanding and offer prayers and support. BUT they can't relate. No one can. No one in my circle has done this. I actually have a friend who went through almost an identical situation with their family around her engagement and marriage, but the difference is she didn't go no contact at the end of it. She is still in touch with her family (but with really firm boundaries). And I'm saying, that's fine for her. She can do what she wants. But I see stress in her from her mother's toxic comments and boundary pushing that I don't think she sees in herself, I can see the way her personality has grown in a way that is accommodating to her mother's toxicity and manipulation and I don't want that for me. 

I'm insecure about my body image. My mother used to hyper-fixate on her looks (and as such automatically, my looks as well), and as a result I am now an insecure adult trying to separate myself from the lie that the more weight I gain, the more I look and feel like my mom looked, and becoming her is my worst nightmare. It's not easy retraining my brain to view a concept entirely different from how I was raised, and I am not always very good at it.

I feel guilty about having a full time job and wish I could spend more time outside and with my son. I feel GOD shifting the landscape in the area of both my husband and my jobs, and am waiting and watching for His direction, but it's hard to be patient and content in the meantime, especially when my body hurts at the end of the day for literally sitting the entire day. I subsequently feel guilty for FEELING GUILTY since I know I am so fortunate to have a work from home job that allows me to be with my son all day every day (even if not directly playing with/interacting with him as much as I want), while making the money that I do which brings much security to our family. 

I struggle with discipline and commitment. I have in my head always the inspiration and aspirations of improvements that I know I need to make and keep in my life. Such as exercising more, embracing tradition and rituals that are honoring to myself and GOD, being faithful at reaching out to people, as well as maintaining healthy boundaries and habits such as time on my phone. It's something that I'm exploring in myself because I don't really know why I am so bad at it. But I know if I want to continue to grow and get better as a person, I need to be able to stick with something new. 

So there you have it, these are some areas that I struggle with and felt compelled to share the vulnerabilities, to spread the hope for myself as well as for anyone who might read this. You are not alone. I know there are others out there who have gone through issues with family and now are no contact as I am, even if I don't know you personally. It's a unique situation to be in, and I'm still understanding how my role plays a part in it, so that I can create new and better future for my own family (aka, breaking chains!). 

If you have something you feel compelled to share, feel free to reach out to me in the comments or directly. And know, you are not alone. God's word does not return void, and neither does hard work. 

-Amaris ☆ //

why

 The fact that still, since 2015 or so, I have this notion that I need to post in order to speak to a particular audience, that I need to in some way write with eloquence for other the benefit of OTHER PEOPLE reading it... which is laughable considering the fact that "old school blogging" is dead and I don't really have any "readers" anyways. 

No, see this is drummed into me from my sheltering and controlling mother - that I have to do things in some way that will please other people. Yeah, I'm talking about "people pleasers"! Aka Me! And if I went no contact with her for any reason it was to break those pesky habits (which I will say, is going well for the most part. I'm less and less like the woman every day and THANK THE LORD - and thank the Lord NOTHING of the toxic things she has said about my life or my future is true - fuck, the woman once told me as a teenager that I better "time it right" when I get married and not schedule my wedding on my period, because then we can't have sex and my husband would be upset with me. WHAT?!?!?!?! LOL) 

Here's what I need to get into my own thick skull. THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR THE READER. IT'S FOR ME. So many times I have ideas of things I want to blog about and I think "nah I shouldn't write that, it wouldn't make sense" WHO THE F CARES?? This is essentially an echoing diary in the lost dead internet and I can say WHATEVER I WANT (again.. not yelling at the reader, yelling at myself). 

So here we go, I'm going to stop caring about who might see this. I'll stop tiptoeing around worried who I will offend because you know, "opinion" blogs exist. Not saying my blog is full on opinion piece, but I'm saying if some rando reader don't like it, there's the door. The freedom, is all. 

There you go. Just a tidbit that came into my brain. And I'm posting it, cause I want to. Lol

-Amaris ☆ //

Pinterest

I remember when Pinterest first rose in popularity in the early 2010s. 

It seemed to be the fastest growing platform, as people right and left were signing up and sharing ideas. And what ideas! On Pinterest, you could cultivate inspiration for pretty much any topic you were interested in. 

Baking? Create a board for it!

Nail Art? I had it. 

Wedding boards? Another hugely popular board to have, where you could save ideas for their future dream wedding. Years later in the 2020s, it would be a trend to look back on your wedding pins to reminisce at what awfully bad taste we all had in the 2010s! (I distinctly remember seeing so many sparkly rhinestone belts for a wedding dress.. I feel like such a notion wouldn't be considered for half a moment today! Much like the converse shoe trend at weddings... do people still do that...?)

Like many other homeschoolers near me, I too hopped on the Pinterest train as a place to curate and express who I wanted to be (or pretended to be?) with the use of "aesthetic" boards. 

That was me, the aesthetic board girly. But, mine was more or less for a purpose, instead of just collecting a board of digital pretty pictures for the sake of it (not that there was anything wrong with that) - but I had multiple aesthetic/mood boards to cultivate inspiration for my stories. Specifically, I had a pirate story that I "worked on" for years. 

I say "worked on" in quotation marks, because there wasn't so much "AcTuaL wRiTinG" that took place as much as me getting inspiration for the story in the form of daydreaming about it, making notes about it, and collecting Pinterest pins about it.

The other major purpose I used Pinterest for was my crafts. I mainly did nail art, jewelry, and makeup. I would spend hours sometimes sitting on our living room computer scrolling nail art pins for ideas. And I actually did use the ideas! 

Much of content at our disposal nowadays, it seems, is largely for consuming, rather than cultivating actual inspiration and intrigue so that you are propelled to do the thing yourself. This is part of the magic of those old Pinterest days for me, at least when it came to the craft pins. I actually did the things I saw online, instead of just sitting as a passive consumer in need of some dopamine hits. 

It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly when and how I started to stop using Pinterest. I started working a part time job, and I remember looking at my boards during breaks... but honestly without an hour or more to devote to curating my feed and boards, my experience on the platform just wasn't as "good" anymore. 

Then of course the Pandemic hit in early 2020. And all I did was work! I worked from about 5am to 7pm most days, and even pulled a 90 hour work week at one point. I had a lot of fun, but in many ways it wasn't good for me. Life is about having balance. If you work too much, it's not good for you. Humans were designed with internal needs, built into cycles where needs productivity and rest shift. Overloading the whole system with work, just isn't going to yield very great results in the long run. My mental health took a huge toll that year, among other things. But that's neither here nor there. 

My point being, during the pandemic I didn't have time for Pinterest or ideas, or creating or inspiration.

And then after the Pandemic, or should I say towards the second half of it and through the end of it, I was tied up in a messy cocktail of falling in love, dealing with family drama, and finding my relationship with GOD again. 

And then.... I got married, and then I got pregnant, and then I had a baby... and now we are here!

Life is full of full-circle moments. The older I get (and I'm almost 27 now!), the more I'm understanding that life is full of cycles. In every area of life. At this point I am a full time, working stay-at-home mom. I've been doing it for a year now (since my maternity leave ended in late September 2023). And honestly? I'm still getting used to it. Learning how to prioritize. How to have that balance of rest and work. 

Which brings me to cooking (stay with me here). One of my favorite hobbies is cooking. I enjoy trying new things (HOOOWWW did I not discover curry until I was in my 20s???), but I also need to remain realistic for what I can accomplish with my job and place in life being what it is. In comes Pinterest! 

Of course I can't (and won't) spend HOURS on there scrolling through ideas and inspiration for recipes, BUT Pinterest has come full circle as a practical, usable tool for me to use in my daily life just like it used to be. 

Although, I just have one request, can we stop using ai images for recipes? It creeps me out. K thanks. 

To wrap up, I want to share a few of my favorite recipes that I've found and used on Pinterest the past couple of months. 

If you're interested, here is my food board to get your own creative juices flowing.

That's all I had for today - just some reminiscing of my Pinterest days the way they used to be, and contemplating how those things have changed and how things are now. As a homeschooler, Pinterest used to be pretty social, I remember commenting and messaging my online friends quite a bit. I think one of them I still have on Instagram. 

-Amaris ☆ //

to: everyone

to: the one who invalidated my feelings, gaslit me, and guilt-tripped me to control me

to: everyone who told me I'm too negative 

to: everyone who said I was not following GOD because my choices didn't make sense to them

to: the one who disrupted my transition into adulthood in every controlling way 

to: everyone who thought we were "going too far" physically before the time was right

to: everyone who told me they didn't believe my mother wouldn't support me and "that doesn't sound like her"

to: the one who told me my experience didn't matter because "it wasn't that bad, I was there"

to: the one who told me "I bet no one will want to come/no one would want to support you"

to: the one who told me that I wouldn't be a good wife (we'll see how that works when you're a wife and your husband wants x)

to: the one who told me I wouldn't be a good mom (when you're a mom you'll see/I hope you have a child who ends up exactly like you)

to: the one who trampled every boundary I had

to: everyone who said our timing was wrong; we were moving too fast, our engagement should be longer, we should have waited to get engaged

to: the one who said I was too codependent on my fiance

to: the one who doubted my husband's competence and ability to provide

to: the one who questioned my sense of morals because I had to stay at my fiance's parents house 

to: everyone who called me a wh*re when I had lost my way 

to: the one who told me "I should be ashamed of myself"

to: the one who compared me to other people's daughters 

to: the one who doubted my body's ability to birth my child

to: everyone who told me my husband would eventually disappointment in me

to: the one who said I had disappointed GOD by "giving away my first kiss" before I was married

to: everyone who reacted in stone cold silence when I announced I was engaged

to: the one who told me I'm "emotionally unstable"

......

You're wrong. 

You're all wrong.

You were wrong then. 

You're still wrong now. 

You'll forever and ever be wrong. 

This I know. 

And know, that I do not miss you

Believe me, I wish I had the someone to play your role in my life...

... But I do not miss you

From: Amaris

things

If you didn't' catch my last post, I have been digging through the old drafts of this blog. 

It's been very interesting going through the old times, remembering what I was going through at the time. The below, unfinished post was written in 8/16/19.

That was just a few months before the pandemic arrived and changed the world as we know it, and my personal experience of the world, forever. 

I had just gotten my job at Home Depot, I still drew sometimes (a hobby I want to get back into! I don't think I ever finished the space shuttle drawing below... part of my quest to tap into my old authentic self is to pursue the old hobbies that I always enjoyed), I still lived with my mom (thank god that has changed), and I hadn't met my future husband yet. 

In fact I was just about to meet guy after guy that I pursued in my impatience to be in a relationship, all of which fell apart and burned to the ground in an epic dumpster fire that left me heartbroken... so heartbroken that I found myself in the arms of any old guy as soon after as I can. And so this process repeated until the end of 2020. 

I actually found a post draft of my testimony, going into some of the above times in detail. My plan is to polish it up, modify it a bit, and eventually publish it, because the story of my time in 2020 and 2021 turned out to be a huge turning point for my life and my relationship with GOD, and the person I call myself today.

But more on that later - enjoy these few couple of photos from that time, until next post - 

this unfinished drawing //

this Scripture //

"There is no peace," says my GOD, "for the wicked."
Isaiah 57 : 21

this big bottle of water from Fresh Thyme //

this quote //

"A mistake repeated more than once is a decision." -Paulo Coelho

all this greenery at my local auto service place //

this sunset reflection //

-Amaris ☆ //

Quotes // ... also hello

Today I decided to go through some of my old blog drafts. 

Let me just tell you.... I was absolutely astounded at the sheer amount of The Hobbit, LotR, and Poldark posts that didn't get posted in the 2016-2016 era, I am afraid to look at how many actually did get posted! Dare I look through the archives...??

Looking through my old drafts was like an eerie trip down memory lane. It's been so long since I've thought about some of those old things I used to enjoy doing. I honestly can't believe that my life and identity tried so hard to revolve around what I was watching or reading. 

Back in the old blogging days, I remember feeling intimidated by the amount of good blogs that I followed and who followed me, that I wanted to post content that blended in with what everyone else was posting!

Of course, I actually did like those things, but I felt this pressure to post. Not from someone, but from myself.

I'm not completely sure what the threat was. I knew that I was not supposed to be different. Or, maybe I just had a lack of authentic creativity, I needed to take inspiration from others to be interesting? I don't know, the blogs I followed were so good, I wanted my blog to be the same!

Being my authentic self has been something that I've struggled with for a long time in life. I think it stems originally from growing up in a controlling household that promoted legalism and shame towards differences, rather than embracing differences. If I could tell my ultra-conservative upbringing one thing (although let's be honest, there's many things I would tell it), it's that not all differences are bad. 

If I want to listen to rock music in my bedroom, that shouldn't be something to yell at. 

Man, if my childhood could have had more pop punk music! But in those days, even confidence in children was something looked down upon. If a child was too confident, they were "a brat" or they were "bouncing off the walls". 

 

Looking back at all of my old posts, talking about things that I actually did enjoy doing, I'm struck by how much of myself I've forgotten. 

The time period of 2019 through 2022 changed me completely as a person because of several major life occurances, and some traumas brought on by, I'll just come clean, manipulative and controlling family members. And I feel like ever since 2022, the changes and decisions have only intensified, building up on each other. 

Through it all, I feel like a part of me went into hibernation, just to get through it. As a result, there are entire chunks of my life I just don't remember. I live days wondering who I am, and where I came from. In the intensity of difficulty, my brain chooses to forget. It's my cope, and it's something I've realized and been trying to heal. 

The good news is, there is healing. I am slowly remembering. I'll randomly remember pieces and instances of my childhood (the good ones!) and I'll excitedly tell my husband "I'm getting another memory!" And I'll also fight against it. For example, if in the middle of a difficult conversation, dare I say, at times "argument" with my husband, I'll catch and stop myself shutting down and instead do the right thing in the moment. Not always, however!

And at this point of my life, it feels like there are so many easy distractions at our fingertips to help us dissociate and forget what we are going through. Emotionally drained? Just scroll. It's an easy fix with dopamine hits sure to satisfy... in the short term at least. 

I too have been guilty of falling down this pattern of destructive habits that is the swirling vortex void of the internet and all it's distractions from the mundane. 

But, here's a thought, what if life is supposed to be boring? 

What if the mundane is utterly, purely blessed? 

What if the day in and day out, is a holy process, filled with meaning and life? 

I've decided I don't want to miss out on that. 

Also the fact that I'm finding it harder to have an original thought. 

My mind will blank in the middle of conversation, I will even avoid conversations about controversial or difficult topics because I don't trust myself to voice the reason of my own convictions, my own opinions even. Which is odd considering I'm an opinionated person. 

No more! In the coming days, including the here and now, my desire is to pursue focus, purpose, intentionality, and authenticity. 

I'm coaxing my psyche and my body that there is no more reason to be afraid, there is no more trauma to worry about. I have cut off the toxic people in my life. Difficult decisions, to be sure, but it turns out they are the most life giving decisions I have made. I have reached a point of healing where I'm figuring out how to shift from surviving to thriving, now that I don’t have to worry about it. 

I have already gained so much maturity in myself that even I can see it, in the year's time since I went no-contact. The boundaries have been fully and firmly held, and my emotional well being has done nothing to thank me for it ever since. 

I feel like a prisoner set free! No longer controlled. No longer shamed. No longer the receiver of unwanted opinions and judgments. 

I have my husband, I have my baby, I have my apartment, I have my job, and I have my walk with GOD, which has ALWAYS been there for me. 

Even in the crazy days of 2020 and 2021, where the vibrancy of my walk with GOD reached an intensity that I had never experienced before or since. 

I should share my 2020 testimony sometime! It started by dating in all the wrong people and it ended... with GOD. And also, surprisingly, a husband! Which I did not expect at all!

Will save this for another day. 

I promise to start posting more often. 

In the name of getting back into my old self, and finishing things that were left undone from years gone by.  

From the real me, this time. On my journey of authenticity and healing!

Starting with, this collection of quotes that was in my drafts, from 8/16/19.

Until next post ...

---

"How Christians live is directly related to their concept of God."
-John MacArthur, "The MacArthur Study Bible, Acts 16"


"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us."
-A.W. Tozer


"The legs in the stocks feel nothing when the heart is in heaven."
-John MacArthur, "The MacArthur Study Bible, Acts 16"


"The world wants you to be entertained by sin as if it is a recreation or right and not a poison." 
-Bible Study Fellowship Notes for 2 Samuel 13-18


"A whole lot of what we call struggling is simply delayed obedience."
-Elizabeth Elliot


"How could love bring such overflowing joy and such deep heartache at the same time?"
-Where We Belong, by Lynn Austin

"A man is what he thinks about all day long"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Rockbottom will teach you things that mountain tops never will." 

-Unknown

“What they’re not sorry for, they’re bound to repeat” 

-Unknown

“If you’re going to grow, something has to be taken off and something has to be put in its place. That’s what we do when we change clothes. That’s why we refer to this as the principle of replacement.” 

-Steve Viars on Ephesians 4 (from Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl's Heart by Bethany Beal and Kristen Clark page 179)

“The devil wrapped in silk is still the devil” 

-Unknown

-Amaris ☆ //

The Zero Waste Overhaul

Hello, Friends!

It has been WAY TOO LONG. 

Seriously, the last post on here was August, 2022??

But hey, regardless of the length of the hiatus, I always seem to make my way back here. So here we are again  - my life has changed drastically (and for the better in many ways!) since the last post, but, funnily enough, this post is kind of in the same category as the August one. 

About a year ago I started getting interested in minimalism - inspired by "The Unstuffed Podcast" by Renee Benes. One thing led to another (like things do), and I started falling down the low/zero waste/low impact/anti-consumer rabbit hole. I started realizing what a large footprint I have taken up in my whole life with all the paper towels I've used and wasted, miles worth of toilet paper I've flushed away, thoughtless purchases I've made from less-than-reputable sources, food I've thrown away, and more. 

As I have learned more, I have changed more. That's what living a life glorifying to the LORD is all about, isn't it? You know better, you do better. Healing and growing, that's what you might say I've been up to lately. 

So I started making permanent changes. I didn't want to use my new knowledge to satisfy some short-term "do-gooder" gratification for a dopamine hit that will fade away, I wanted this to be long-lasting, and well-thought out series of permanent changes. You've heard the saying, "It's not a phase, Mom!" (this time, it's not!)

I am by no means where I want to be yet. But slow and steady wins the race. Just like I can't decorate our new apartment in a cozy mid century modern moody eclectic interior style all from Facebook Marketplace in one day, I can't swap years of wasteful habits for time- and money-saving, zero/low waste habits in a short amount of time. I simply haven't the time or, frankly, the money. Sorry, bare living room walls.

But I have made significant changes - and here is a little post to share what I have already swapped!

I hope you enjoy ~ 

Toilet paper // Bidet

This one was by far the most intimidating change! About 2 years ago we went to a friends house who had one and I was too scared to even use it! When I first used ours, I'll admit I screamed. A bit dramatic, maybe. But second usage forward, I knew what to expect, and it was no problem. I still use a little toilet paper to 'dab' the water away, but am looking into a solution to wipe with something reusable! Here is the link for the one we got - it was only $30 on sale at the time!

Paper napkins // Cloth napkins

This one was so easy to switch. We have a little basket under our drink cart, we just put the used ones in there as a little dirty hamper. When it comes time to wash our usual laundry, I will empty those into the big load. I found some on sale for 50% off on Amazon, so I bought two for the price of one! We have a total of 24 and it is just plenty for two adults with our laundry schedule. 

Tissues // Cloth Handkerchiefs

I have a sensitive little schnoz, and frequently blow my nose. I used to always have a tissue box in the car, in my room, in our bathroom, and in the living room. On Facebook Marketplace I found a seller who was listing 37 vintage cloth handkerchiefs for like $15! Not only that, but 7 out of the bunch had the letter "A" embroidered on them, like it was meant to be! I keep a basket of clean hankies on my bedside table, I will grab one to go with me to my workdesk, and the the dirty ones I toss in a mini basket beneath the table as a little hamper. Side note: I also keep dirty baby socks and adult socks in here, all the contents will be put in laundry bags so they don't get lost in the laundry!

Daily Liners // Cloth Pads

This one was also one of the more intimidating switches. I was worried I would not be able to keep things hygienic. I ran these through the laundry a few times, and then read that they are hand-wash only. I got them from an Etsy seller. Now I have a pretty easy and hygienic routine for cleaning and using these, and I'm so happy I made the switch. Cloth pads are so expensive, plus they contribute a LOT of waste, this is one of the switches I am most proud of! In the photo, I have had them for several weeks, and they are wearing just fine.

Menstrual pads // Menstrual disk

Talk about daily liners being expensive and contributing waste - try doubling it with the size and cost of menstrual pads! I swapped these out and got a re-usable Flex disk. I tried the disposable ones a few years ago and have used them on and off, but when I went full swing into the zero-waste pursuit, I got a reusable Flex disk for 30 bucks (believe me.. it has already paid itself off). I will wear this thing every month along with a reusable cloth pad from above during my period, boil the disk to sanitize and remove any odors, then stash it away in the little cloth baggie it came with until next month.

Paper plates // Glass plates only

I know what you're thinking, what about all the dishes that need to be washed. And I get it, but seriously it's not that bad. I do pretty well at keeping a routine so they never get piled up too terribly. Plus, we are only two adults, the dishes just don't add up that quickly. 

Plastic To-Go Cups // Reusable

First, it supports our local coffee scene. Second, it's free advertising for said coffee business. Third, it is a reliable and sturdy, reusable way to cut down on plastic to get your to-go coffee! Its' a win-win-win! Mine is a 16 oz which can contain most to-go drinks, and it is sporting one of our favorite shops here in our area - Sump Coffee!

Honorable mentions: 

- Reusable shopping bags

- Saving packing material, strings, and random ribbons to wrap presents

- Skipping the plastic produce bags for reusable produce bags

- Bar soap instead of pump soap (for shampoo, body wash, conditioner, and hand soap!)

- Asking for "no bag" when shopping with a cashier - they will bag items by default unless you say something!

--------

I hope you enjoyed this list! I am so excited to continue this journey.. the goal is to produce as little waste as possible. And honestly it's so fun! I look at life through a new lens. Going about my daily life and I will ask myself "can I get a version of this that is reusable? More cost effective? Less wasteful?"

Usually the answer is yes! 

I should do another post soon, to catch up on some new life things. One of which you might have caught mentioned above.. I had a baby! I won't share all the details now, but said baby was born in June 2023. I will have to do an update post soon! 

Let me know what you think of this lifestyle switch, and which switch above is your favorite or which one you relate to!

-Amaris ☆ //

Healthy Habits I'm Working On

 So.... in light of the list I posted in the last blog post about Things That Make Depression Worse, here is a list of things that help depression and mental health, based on a lot of videos I watched on the subject (because let's all agree that YouTube is the most reliable resource for mental health education... low-key for real).

1. Practicing Mindfulness - This is one of the main things I've been trying to implement lately, as I talked about in my last post, which goes hand-in-hand with the ability to self-examine. I have been working on the book "Relational Intelligence" lately, which has helped me largely in this area (as well as improving my ability to interact with people around me in a meaningful and impactful way).

2. Move More - Be more active! This one I used to do a lot more consistently. I used to walk about an hour every single day! Oh to have the time to do that again! But alas. At least I can shoot for 20 minutes these days, and that's something. 

3. Call a Friend, Don't Isolate Yourself - I've always struggled with this one unintentionally. I'm an introvert by nature, so this one just kind of happens. I don't realize it, nor does it really effect me in an obvious way, so I've always disregarded it. But it's true and proven that surrounding yourself with good people who want to lift you up and want the best for you has a major impact mental health. 

4. Eat Better - I have always been off and on with this one. Lately my eating habits have not been of the most healthy nature, but both my husband and I have been working on changing this habit for the better as we plunge headlong into our new life and future for our family!

5. Vitamin D & Sunlight - A dear friend pointed this out to me, that when you don't get enough sunlight and vitamin D, it can greatly affect your mental health. So, when I get my 20 minute walk during the day, I can kill two birds with one stone by walking through the sunbeams and getting those vitamins that I have been lacking!

These are my findings, and these are the habits that I am working on implementing in my every day routines, in order to care for myself in that way. 

Perhaps, this list will be of help to you too. Farewell for now, fwends.

-Amaris

Random Updates // How Being Married Change My Life Forever

I have realized something important in the past few months since being married. That in order to best care for and love my husband - and later, my family - I have to let God lead me to a place of mental freedom.

These are some things I've been up to in this regard, lately.

Researching Depression : 

I have been very neglecting of my mental health in the past few months, and that's my own fault. I have also not been appropriately dealing with trauma from past experiences the way I should have. This has resulted in a very bad mental health situation. I have had more anxiety, more depression, more misery, more listlessness and purposelessness and more difficulty in completing every day tasks in the past 6 months than I should have. 

I did some research a few weeks ago, and made a list of things that make depression worse, in order to kind of gauge where I'm at in order to help the situation by taking some steps in a better direction.

This is what I added to my list.

Things That Make Depression Worse:

1. Lack of Sleep / Sleep Disturbance / Over or Under sleeping

2. Stress

3. Not being active

4. Alcohol

5. Focusing on the negative / unhealthy thinking styles

6. Hormones

7. Not getting help

8. Low self-esteem

9. Isolation

10. Relationship issues

11. Consuming sugar & saturated fats

12. Engaging in destructive pleasure - seeking behavior

13. Staying away from sunlight

14. Getting caught in the rumination trap / replaying situations

15. Being around toxic people

16. Neglecting physical health

When my husband and I studied this list together, we discovered that I struggle, in varying degrees, with pretty much all of these! What! 

It took a lot to fight off a feeling of hopelessness for my situation. My husband comforted me with the reminder of the fact that in the past year's time, I had been through a lot, emotionally speaking. I had lost close friends, I had been in a situation where I didn't know where I was going to live, I had been through a job change, been without a car, and moved. Not to mention planning a wedding and getting married - although these were good things. 

It was a lot! It was around January and February of this year that it had been the most stressful, I was even struggling at work. 

With my husband's help, in this area I can forgive myself for the struggles I am experiencing now. Life happened, and it was stressful. But now, I can pick up the pieces with my husband and my God by my side, helping me heal and grow - separated from a lot of bad situations that I was dealing with before I was in the place I am now.

So here's where I'm at. It might be tempting to look at this list and struggle with hopelessness at the impossibly long list of things that I've let happen that has caused a lot of problems with my mental and emotional state. But, I have a better God than that. And that God has given me a husband to stand by me, no matter what I'm struggling with. God has said to me, "it is time to heal". 

---

One of my most recent excursions in this journey of healing, has to do with a concept called "mindfulness". I am discovering this extremely powerful concept involving self - awareness, self - examination, and mindfulness. I am new to these ideas - but the difference of observing my thoughts as they appear in my brain from an objective viewpoint- with no judgment or self-deprecation, but simply observing and viewing what goes on in my brain rather than simply being controlled and told what to do by my thoughts and emotions - or worse, having no view of what's going on in my brain at all... like I have always done. This is making a huge difference in my life!!

Let me paint a scenario for you. 

In the past, with no self-awareness, no mindfulness, and no ability to self - examine, a simple bout of the after-work grumps would have ended up with reacting poorly, which in turn makes my husband hurt, which in turn makes me look down on myself for hurting him, which in turn continues a destructive cycle of self-deprecation, low self-esteem, and even more feeling of low motivation and hopelessness. 

But since I have prioritized the practice of these concepts in my life, this is what happened to me two nights ago.

My husband worked at 5 in the morning. So we woke up and had about 20 minutes of getting ready before I took him to work. I then worked at 11am, and didn't get home until about 8:30pm, about which time we went to bed. 

But as we were trying to fall asleep, laying there in the dark, I found that I was feeling very grumpy. I was upset, moody, and irritable. I didn't question why, I had never done so. I was simply reacting and feeling it.

I was beginning to react to it like I always had, much to the confusion and bewilderment of my husband (who was wondering what was wrong with me, of course!) when I remembered what I had been learning about self-awareness of your own brain and emotions. And so in my head, I stepped back, and asked myself "what was I upset about?" 

Believe me, this is not easy for me at all! And the deeper I dig inward, the harder on my pride and heart it is! It feels like physical pain, looking inward like this when dealing with feelings of anger, depression, sadness, and irritability - like this night. But, I dared to do it this time. I viewed my own psyche from an objective perspective - with no judgement, self-deprecation, or opinion. And I discovered something amazing for the first time in my life. I had control over what was going on in there. And I had the ability to view what was going on in there! Perhaps it seems simple to the reader, but remember, I have never done this before, nor has this ever been modeled for me. So I have years and years of habit and pattern-building going for me in the more destructive mindset. 

Through this excruciating practice of peering inward, I realized that the reason I was feeling grumpy and upset was because I hadn't seen my husband all day, and I was really missing the fellowship and communion that I would usually have with him- which my work schedule had made impossible to do that day.

Even if you're able to read what's going on in your head, you might not be able to solve the thing that's causing your brain to feel this way in the moment.

But, that night, even though we were both tired, we were able to turn the light on, postpone our sleeping for a bit, and fellowship with each other for about an hour. We talked about our day, discussed my emotional discoveries, and shared the bond of community that I was craving to have with him. 

This fellowship together, as well as the emotional discovery I had made for the first time probably in my life, was very rewarding and reason to celebrate for us. 

And I knew, and I know, I wasn't hopeless. I am not hopeless.

God has told me, "It's time to heal. It's time to create new habits, and abandon old ones. It's time for newness."

I am so grateful that my God is all about newness. All about doing away with old, and putting on the new. 

I know and trust in His plan that He has for my mental health, my marriage, and my life. And I am incredibly happy that the LORD is blessing my marriage and teaching me what it means to let go of the past and look to the future. I have never really done this. But it's invigorating and exciting. As well as scary and painful. 

People at work make fun of me when I answer their "So how's married life?" question with "it's like creme brûlée at a fine dining restaurant ... seriously, like the best creme brûlée you've ever had in your life." But I don't know how else to describe how wonderful God is, how wonderful it is to have a partner that I can trust to lead me closer to the LORD, and lead me on this path of healing I am finding. 

The LORD is so, so good. 

Farewell for now, friends!