Life, Grief & Gratefulness.

Hello, Friends.

It's been awhile! 

I had a whole post I was writing that went into great detail of the last 2 or so months of my life. But it was getting to the point that I knew it was too long but I didn't know how to trim it down and still say what I wanted to say. So, I'm going to leave that post in the drafts for now and try again here. 

Life has been....life. 

Changes in Childhood

Due to shifting job situations, I actually worked full time for a short 2-month period, while my husband was the stay-at-home-parent. During this time, our oldest son Malachi developed a LOT. Vocabulary, behavior, capabilities. It was like he was a completely new kid from 2 months earlier. 

Malachi meeting his first cat! He had seen only pictures of cats prior to meeting this one. Her name is "Mrs. Timbers".

The sad part of this is that I was at work and I feel like I lost touch with him a little bit. I lost the hang of his lingo and swiftly changing habits. 

But, that all changed when in February our lives changed forever with the birth of our second son...

Then Came Abram

My sweet little son was born late in February, who we named Abram. 

How did the birth go? Well, to put it shortly, we started with the attempt at a VBAC and ended at a second-time C-section. But, I feel like the birth experience overall was as redeeming as it could be, and a strength and bravery was revealed in me that I didn't know I possessed. 

We had to induce at 37 weeks due to polyhydramnios. We tried the induction for two days before we landed on a c-section due to failure to progress. But up until I had the C-section I was completely pain med free, which is a huge personal accomplishment for me. 

Once we had to do the surgery, at first I was greatly anxious due to my trauma from my first rather dramatic and difficult C-section (and subsequent recovery). 

But this one went completely smoothly, and I was able to overcome my feelings of dread and panic and instead showed myself to be brave beyond my expectations. 

My Valentine's Bouquet which I took with me to give birth at the hospital.

There is an underlying disappointment with the fact that I had to have another surgery. 

My greatest wish was to have a VBAC. 

But my gratefulness and happiness far outweighs that feeling, knowing the personal journey I went through to be strong and stand up for myself, and advocate for myself in the process, and standing face to face with the thing that scared me, and choosing to be brave rather than succumb to fear or discomfort. 

All resulting in a sweet tiny child at the end, who I could take home and love. 

This blanket is the finished crochet project that I worked on during my pregnancy. I was trying to go for the old fashioned "granny" look while still creating something that I liked as far as colors and design. I'm really proud of how it turned out!

Since the birth, my life has drastically changed with the expected way that a new baby typically brings.

Late nights, messiness, diapers, tears, tiredness, adorable-ness, laughter. 

There's something about the late nights up with a baby. A vulnerability. A sense of space, and peace. A sense of holiness. These moments are sacred and few in life. 

Today, my son will never be this young again. And tomorrow, he will be older than he ever has. 

There is no going back, only forward. 

Each passing moment contains both a grief of the passing of time with the moments it leaves behind, and gratefulness for the present moment, with the joy ahead to be had.

Having a Spring baby means I can go on walks with a tiny bundle strapped to me!

So... what else has been going on? 

Watching Movies

I have been on a huge movie kick lately. I have been living in the "free with ads" section of YouTube lately. BUT... I've also bought some to rent (I don't do streaming services). I'm planning a whole entire post to speedrun through some of my movie opinions, but here is a sampling of a few favorite movies from that list: 

• Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) - 4 out of 10. Funny, iconic. Also stupid. Also not my type of movie. 
• Letters to Juliet (2010) - 10 out of 10. A rewatch from my childhood. The perfect rom-com, no notes.
• Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005) - 10 out of 10. My husband and I adored this movie. So sweet and heartfelt. 
• Age of Adaline (2015) - 2 out of 10. Stupid, took it self way too seriously, tried so hard to have meaning when it didn't have much at all. Also, Blake Lively. Ew. 
• Last Holiday (2006) - 10 out of 10. This is a trailer I saw when I was a kid and I never watched it until now. Worth it, loved it. Adorable. Hollywood has changed so much for the worse since they made movies like this. Was nice to go back in time. 
• Groundhog Day (1993) - 10 out of 10. A classic. Even my husband loved it. Adorable. Thought provoking. Timeless.

Last Holiday (2006)

Discovering New Tastes in Beverage (And Enjoying Classics)

I tried matcha once or twice 3 years ago and disliked it greatly. My official takeaway from that experience was that I was "not a matcha person". Well, flash forward to now. I decided to try it again, because who knows. I got a new seasonal drink at one local coffee shop, Upshot Coffee Brake Shop. It was a strawberry matcha. And well, I really liked it. I got it a few more times, and still liked it! 

Could it be, I wondered, that I actually like matcha after all?

I got some matcha of my own, to further test it. I also made some strawberry syrup (dice up strawberries, cover them in sugar, leave on your counter and shake it or stir it once a day or so in an airtight container, once there are no more sugar crystals, strain the strawberries, and voila!). 

Now I drink an iced strawberry matcha latte once or twice a week, and I think there's no going back! 

It's hard not to take pictures of strawberry matcha lattes, even if the lighting is bad, because they are just so pretty!

Finding Time to Make Art

I really miss the days of 2018 and 2019 where I was drawing very consistently and thus improving consistently. It was very enjoyable to me. I often think about those days, and wish I were doing that again. I feel this way about many things, actually (will probably write a future post about that). But, I'm trying to spend more time doing those things, instead of wishing I was doing them. So, I started with something pretty easy and satisfying. Ink patterns! Most ideas I find on Pinterest, but a few patterns I've come up on my own. These patterns I speak of are not quite like optical illusions, but they are adjacent to that, and have the same vibe. 

Here are a few recents (as well as my first ever "junk journal" page, which I made from a chocolate bar package and a tea package): 

Made with a chocolate bar paper package, a tea bag box, and the rest with markers. I winged it and I like how it turned out. 

New Plants to Love 

I am always trying to improve my skills when it comes to keeping and caring for house plants. 

I have had many plants die over the years, some sooner, some later. 

The goal is to keep pushing the dying later and later until we rarely experience a death! 

a

A recent acquired plant, a Tokyo Sun. Isn't she cute?

At least I know which plants I'm most likely to keep alive at this point in time. Golden Pothos! I like to bring in a new on every so often, as well as difference species. 

Pictured are a few new ones I've got recently, and my hope (and prayer...) is that they will last as long as possible!

That is all for now!

Farewell, friends. 

~ Amaris // ☆

A Short Entry From My Diary

 March 7th, 2026

~*~*~*~

Well, I guess I'm at the end of this diary. It's been bad. It's been good, too. 

I started this journal pretty organized and structured. But it went very crazy from there. I even used this as an art journal a bit (see my ink drawings). 

I started the journal only a few months ago, expressing the hope or the wish that things would be better by the end of it.

And well, I guess in someways it's been better. In some ways, things are good. In some ways, they are bad. 

Many things have transpired. 

Things I've been too exhausted to write. 

Things I didn't know how to write. 

Things I did write. 

Any way you slice it, I'm now going to a different journal to continue into the next phase of the journey. 

I don't know what to expect. I do know that I have many, many doubts. 

But I have one Hope. 

And that is enough. 

~ Amaris // ☆

P.s. - for the concerned reader - there is no intended cryptic message here. I had my baby and I am doing well - more updates soon :) 

Hello From the 2nd Trimester! (^_^)/

Hello my friends! It's me, checking in with a long awaited post! (WARNING : long post ahead! I'm behind on updates LOL)

For awhile there, I was doing pretty good at posting weekly. But then, pregnancy hit... and with it, all the tiredness and sickness that is typical with the first trimester. I had my doubts about being able to keep up with the blog while going through all that, and I was right. I kinda just rested and ate crackers for 3 months. But that's ok! It's to be expected. Despite how sick I was feeling, I was still no less excited about the prospect of having another baby around here!  

Now, I am in the 2nd trimester, where things are looking up a bit! I still get some little bouts of nausea here and there, but luckily it has toned down a LOT. Like, 90%. I can work with that! 

I'm still pretty tired though, and ideally take a nap once a day, and sleep in every morning (which I can do, since I'm a stay at home mom without a full time job! Hooray for that decision earlier this year. Timing worked out perfect). Luckily, my toddler is very workable when it comes to sleeping in. He chills out playing in his room until around 10am or 10:30am typically, then we both get up and have breakfast together. It works out perfectly for Pregnant Me. 

Since I've been feeling better overall the past couple of weeks, I've had slightly more energy and more motivation to *do* some more things in my life. I'm trying to get back into some kind of productive routine now that I can. I have started cooking a little more, I get the place *generally* clean by the end of the day, and am even doing some Autumn and seasonal activities!

The most recent activity was going to Eckert's Grafton Farm! This is an apple orchard (although they grow other produce too - but their apples are by far their biggest thing they do) that is somewhat local to my area of St. Charles. People can go and pick their own apples and then pay for them by weight. I've been going to this place since I was a young child with my own siblings and parents. Over the years, they have added a lot more fun activities for the kids - like a play area and a petting zoo. 

It was especially fun this year, because my son was old enough to participate in almost everything! When my husband and I went in 2023, my son was only 3 months old. I carried him around in a wrap, and he stayed asleep the whole time. We went up on the Grafton skylines afterward, which was quite fun and relaxing! 

In 2024, we went with a few friends, and of course my son was there too - although he was still too young (less than 2 years) to really do anything with us. So it was another year where I was just carrying a baby around while picking apples. 

But 2025 was different, and so so special! He picked his own apples and put them in the bag, he ate an apple whole while out in the orchard, and he was able to play in the kids area somewhat independently. He also sampled some apple cider, and of course eats a ton of apples from our stash that we brought home. 

What's also special about 2025, is we picked two pumpkins as well! I had never been to a pumpkin patch or ever picked a pumpkin before! Which is surprising with how many times I've been to Eckert's, and how many times I have had the opportunity to do so. All in all, we came home with one big bag of apples (I think like 20-30 apples total) and two medium pumpkins (I got two that were small enough for me to easily roast in my oven. My plan is to roast them, then puree and freeze them to use in baking over the next several months). 

I also think it's so funny that my son just learned how to say the word "Apple" and "Pumpkin". Just in time for the season! 

So... what else has been going on? 

❀ I Found a Midwife for my Pregnancy ❀

I never really talked about this situation on the blog... but my experiencing birthing my son was a very horrible one. In short, I didn't know what I was doing, so when I first got pregnant, I searched the internet and found any old OB/GYN who was near my area to go to. This turned out to be a horrible mistake. I ended up firing that OB/GYN halfway through my labor because she was so terrible. I was pushed and pressured to be induced and to get a C-Section for no medical reasons. It was a very painful experience, and frankly very insulting too. After I had my son, I did a lot of self-education on pregnancy and natural birth. I knew that I wanted to go for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) for my next pregnancy. At some point as well, I would like to start birthing all my babies at home. The only problem with a home birth at this point in my life is how pricey they are, and they don't take insurance. With us being on one income right now, that's just not doable, and I'd rather not make a decision that is going to stress us out financially down the road. So, I did my research and went to an appointment with an in-network midwife that I have heard a lot about in my area. My husband came with me to the appointment. We both felt really confident after visiting her, especially hearing her answers to all my questions. There's a lot more to that decision, but that's the basics. I already feel so much better in her hands than in my first pregnancy. I have a lot more education and tools at my disposal to speak up for myself when needed and make decisions based on what I want and what's best for me. I don't have any fear going into the next birth because of the education I've obtained about the subject (you might see in my "Read" shelf this summer, "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", which is one of my favorite resources). Of course I will report back on the blog how everything goes with the next childbirth, which is happening in the Spring. Maybe I'll even post the entire birth story. :)

❀ Planning for the Holidays ❀

Me and my husband are brainstorming about what we want to do for the season - especially for FOOD for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We decided last year that we don't want to be a turkey family. I made my very first turkey and it turned out very good! However, it's just not my favorite. At this point in time, we are a very small family. I think I'd rather spend a little extra to make something nice for two adults and one toddler, than buy a big giant turkey that we can barely eat (even with freezing), in addition to turkey not being my favorite protein anyways. 

We also made duck for Christmas last year, which was very good. But, it is expensive, and you don't get that much meat on the bird - kind of the opposite problem of turkey. And while it's *good*, it's not good enough that I want to do it every year. 

I'm still brainstorming, but I'm seriously considering going a completely different, non-traditional direction for our holiday meals. I made osso bucco awhile back, and frankly that might be the perfect option. It's really easy to make, but it's luxurious and feels fancy and special, especially if you make it with the traditional silky risotto. The veal shanks are a bit pricey, but I liked it well enough that it's something I'm willing to spend the money on for a special occasion. 

The other option I'm thinking (and who knows, I could do this for one of the holidays and the osso bucco for the other holiday) is scallops, with some luxurious, fancy-feeling sides, such as prosciutto wrapped asparagus, risotto, or something similar. I have made pan-seared scallops a few times now, and dang but they are SO GOOD. They aren't SUPER pricey either. I mean, pound for pound they are much pricier than your average fish. But they're not unbearably pricey that I can't do them for Christmas. They feel fancy and luxurious, and they are fairly quick and easy to make! This gives me more time and effort to put into a fancy dessert, a mocktail (I made this mulled non-alcoholic wine last year and it was so yummy!), and some fancy sides or appetizers. 

So, all in all, I'm not sure what I'm going to decide yet. But I have some things swirling in my head that I'll probably land on soon :)

This is not even to mention the seasonal foods that I'm planning on making NOT relating to holidays, or fanciness at all. I'm super excited for pomegranates to be in season - I really enjoy cracking them open and rolling out the little seeds with my thumbs - and then rinsing them and drying them. I don't like to eat the seeds plain, the texture gets to me a little bit. But I LOVE them as a salad topper. I absolutely love making this Quinoa Arugula salad that I got from Pinterest, but I will add pomegranates and crumbled goat cheese. It's amazing as the recipe is written, but trust me, the addition of the seeds and cheese just takes it so far over the top. 

Also I'm very excited for citrus to be back in season! I love making citrus mocktails with fresh squeezed grapefruits (grapefruit is my favorite of all citrus for just eating plain - for cooking I like lemon and lime of course), and fresh squeezed orange juice to go with breakfasts. I also started a tradition last year that I plan on continuing - dehydrating citrus slices! I made some popcorn and orange slice garlands last year for decoration - and I plan on doing the same thing this year. I'm going to save a few for drink garnishes too this year. 

One last thing on the food topic of holidays. I have been doing a lot of reminiscing of my childhood holiday traditions, and the food my mom used to make for the holidays when I was a little kids. Some of them I had no idea what they were called, I just described them to Google and was able to find some of the recipes! I'd like to bring at least a few of those back this year. Here are the main ones: 

- 7 Layer Salad (If I remember correctly, we had this for New Years Day typically)

- Walking Tacos (with everything we know about microplastics and metals these days - I'll probably figure out an alternative to putting hot taco meat directly into the chip bags - while still trying to preserve the novelty! I also might try to find a more natural "Dorito" option - one that does have seed oils or artificial dyes.)

- Chili Spaghetti (which isn't a holiday dish, but just a regular dish we had that I want to try making again. It's great for kids LOL)

- Monkey Bread (we always had this on New Years Day for breakfast! I'll... probably do it for dessert LOL)

- Rotel Sausage Dip (definitely the most unhealthy of these LOL - we made this for New Year's Eve)

- Strawberry Pretzel Salad (not anything like a salad, more like a bar dessert, I don't know why it's called salad! My grandma would always make and bring this to holiday functions!)

- Hanky Panky Appetizers (THIS is the main one I had trouble finding! I only had the memory of it... I knew it was cheesy and had meat, and it was spread on some type of tiny bread slices. Luckily it's a pretty well known appetizer as it turns out, and I found the recipe!)

Those are some of the long lost recipes that I'd like to try and see if I want to bring them into my own traditions. I definitely know that I want to work in a lot of seasonal produce to my traditions. I want to raise my kids knowing how to respect and honor God's season and what He gives, rather than having to buy a bunch of decorations to feel Christmas-y, if that makes sense. 

❀ Drinking Coffee & Eating Dark Chocolate ❀

As you know, I have been an avid coffee drinker already for the past 4 years. I took a little break from coffee during the first trimester. However, with the 2nd trimester I have been having headaches relating to the pregnancy. And one of the things that helps with pregnancy headaches/migraines is caffeine and magnesium. Hence, I've been going back to coffee and also Dark Chocolate! I also got some magnesium capsules. And I've only been taking them a week, BUT I haven't had a headache in that time, so it just might be working! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Time will tell.

❀ Reading ... But Only a Tiny Bit ❀

You guys, I don't think I'm going to make my goal of 25 books this year. Not with the pregnancy LOL. But I did just finish the Witch of Blackbird Pond which was my 17th book. Even if I end the year having read only 17 books, I feel like that's not bad at all. My goal *underneath* the 25 book goal was to just read more! And I definitely accomplished that. We shall see what next year brings of course. And who knows, maybe I will end up reading one or two more books before this year is out!

❀ Not Much Else ❀

Even though this post is long, I really haven't been *doing* that much since my last post. Which is one of the reasons I haven't posted an update post in awhile - I have nothing to report! But, as mentioned above, I'm working on changing that since I've been feeling better. And hopefully doing more will benefit my mental health as well - the trip to Eckert's already helped! Especially having the apples that we are now using to nourish our family and decorate for Fall - It's like bringing the experience home with you! My plan is to post again soon regardless, because I have some thoughts on the month of November that I would like to share soon. 

Let me know what you have been up to in the comments!! 

~ Amaris // ☆

I Am Slowly But Surely Adjusting // June 2025

Here it is! The Life Update I've been promising. 

A lot has changed in my life, which has prevented me from posting as often as I said I wanted to back in the beginning of the year. And apart from that, life has just progressed, like life always does, even in the mundane and somewhat boring ways. 

But if I've learned anything as I've gotten older (I'm 27 now..... holy crap I'm old...) it's that the passing of time is very precious. My son will never be as young again as he was today. My body will never look quite the same as now. My marriage won't be in the same young stage as it is in right now. Life is so precious even in its mundanity!

So here they are, the bullet points of What's Been Going On!

⟢ I Quit My Full Time Job to Stay Home With My Son

(This one is a long one, LOL)

This one was a huge step in faith in which I quit my full time job doing inside sales for Home Depot, working from home. It was a great job, really, and I enjoyed it immensely! The job worked perfectly for me and my family for 2-1/2 years. I was able to have my son at home with me while working to provide the major part of our household income. All my breaks and lunches were right here at home, where I could cook, clean, play with my son, take a shower, etc. When I got off work for the day, I was right there at home ready for the evening, the second I clocked out. There was no commute, and no need to drive anywhere. I could (and frequently DID) wake up barely 10 minutes before my shift started to get those extra Z's! 

But, all was not paradise. It was a full time job which meant 40 hours of my week that I didn't get to have full time attention to my son. We had to stay inside, all day every day. And what's more, the job itself became a bit of a problem. I've always been a good worker, with attention to detail, organized, and who worked well with other people. But towards the end of my time there, they had a few people leave and they weren't being replaced. So everyone else had to absorb the extra work, and it became tiring on many of us. What's more, my relationship with my boss began to deteriorate as I was dealing with the increased and changing expectations, which was made harder by the fact that the boss person just didn't do their job very well (let's face it, the boss was probably stressed too). It got to the point where I was feeling anxious to go into work. I would think about work on the weekends, and while I still loved many aspects of the job, I just wasn't excited to do it any more than I was stressed. Several workdays had me clocking out with tears of frustration. My husband had been encouraging me for months that we can quit this job and figure out the finances - "we're not stuck here, GOD will provide", he would say. But I was scared. I didn't know how we would figure out how to make it. I made a lot of money and I just didn't know how we could get it to work. 

At the beginning of May, I reached my breaking point. I had a video meeting with my boss, and told her I wanted to go back to a store in 2 weeks, to work part time. The amount of freedom and excitement I felt! I still had no plan and no understanding of how we would make things work. But, I took the leap. The HUGE leap of faith. Frankly, I was scared to death! But, I did it anyways.

Here we are at the beginning of June 2025, and we are still alive and surviving. Yes, the money's tight. I miss being able to eat for my cycle (steaks during Menstruation, salmon and kombucha during Follicular, etc. etc.), I miss my regular massages, I miss being able to cook for other people more, and I miss many other aspects of the privileges of... you know, HAVING MONEY. But, we are working on it. And picking up hours here and there to make ends meet. We haven't been kicked out of our apartment yet so that has to show for something! And changes always lead the way to make new connection and new networks. I already have offers to do some clerical work for minimal hours at home for a few business partners that my husband and I know, on top of working 2 nights a week at a Home Depot store in my area. Things are still shifting and we are still getting used to everything, but there has been a tremendous amount of blessing and promise as GOD confirms the decision we made!

⟢ I Am Reading 25 Books in 2025

See my last post for a recap of the year so far in books! Here's the list of books I'm currently working through and hoping to finish soon:

• The Story of Knights and Armor | by Ernest E Tucker (A book I read as a kid while homeschooling - I remembering liking it a lot and decided to pick it up for nostalgia's sake and also because it's a pretty easy read to get me to my goal!)
• Tess of the d'Urbervilles | by Thomas Hardy (I found this at a book fair here in Saint Louis - I am only 3 chapters in but liking it so far!)
• Prayer in the Night: For Those Who Work or Watch or Weep | by Tish Harrison Warren (I had to read this one after loving Liturgy of the Ordinary so much. And already, this book has me tearing up numerous times already!)
• The Flourishing Family: A Jesus-Centered Guide to Parenting with Peace and Purpose | by David Erickson (I followed them on Instagram while back because they aligned with my views on not spanking children, among many other parenting values that I hold to - this is a very hyped book that I'm very excited to get into. So far I have just read the intro!)
• The Witch of Blackbird Pond | by Elizabeth George Speare (This is a favorite from when I was a teenager. I'm reading this with my "book friend", we meet on Mondays!)
• The Lord of the Rings: Part One: The Fellowship of the Ring | By J. R. R. Tolkien (I'm reading this through with a few girlfriends! It has been very nostalgic and a great path down memory lane because I have only read the series once when I was a teenager!)
• Mansfield Park | by Jane Austen (I'm probably going to finish this one next - I have been "speed reading" it to get through it in order to move on to Tess mentioned above. I plan to watch the movie when finished! Or is it a series? I don't actually know, LOL!)
• Scarlet (The Lunar Chronicles, #2) | by Marissa Meyer (I'm having a hard time getting into this one. I'm not sure if I'll finish it honestly!)
• Show Them Jesus: Teaching the Gospel to Kids | by Jack Klumpenhower (re-reading this with my hubby!)
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents (this one goes without sayin', you can just look at some of my recent posts for context, LOL!)
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work | by John M. Gottman (Ok, I like this book... but the amount of exercises is annoying and a little daunting. I just wanted to read something and didn't want or need something so hands on, and frankly that's making it take a long time to get through! Time will tell if it's overall worth it...)

While enjoying a Nitro Cold Brew from Course Coffee Roasters in St. Charles!

I have a few more books planned to read as well as some of these reach completion, but I will discuss those probably in a future post this year!

Ok, now for a few shorter updates (aka "shorties")!

⟢ Life With Malachi (aka "Poobiss")

"Poobiss" is the nickname we have given our son. He will be 2 this month! Every day is an adventure, and it feels like he picks up new abilities and developments every day! The latest fun quirk... he has started pretending his morning banana is a plane by swooshing it into the sky with his hand and making an airplane sound! 

⟢ Making Lots of Sourdough Bread

Behold my newest food-related hobby! I picked this up about a year ago. I will have a post coming up soon in which I describe my current routine! But for now, I'll share one of my recent loaves: 

I'm still working on my scoring -- but look at that crusty crust!!

⟢ Experimenting with Coffee Syrups / At-Home Brewing

Since quitting the job, one of the ways we are saving money is by making our coffee drinks at home. I have a method for making an at-home latte with the Aeropress. But syrups are really where I can be creative! Here is one of the recent recipes I came up with, I'm not sure what to call it, but it reminds me of a cookie of some sort!

1 cup cane sugar

1 cup water

2-3 tbsp (to taste) molasses

2-3 tsp (to taste) vanilla

1-2 tsp (to taste - not too much because it easily overpowers) almond extract

pinch cinnamon

Place over low heat on the stovetop and let it sit for at least 4 hours. The longer the better!

As you can see, the measurements are very much adjustable to your preference, the main portion to stay accurate is the sugar and water, because this is the simple syrup base. Everything else is just flavoring!

⟢ Art

I have been wanting to practice art more, especially with different mediums than I have historically used. My favorites in the past is vine charcoal and pencil. But this year I started trying to be more colorful, having bought a box of Crayola pencils and crayons! And very different as well, when I made my 2025 vision board collage, which was done with layers of magazine paper. Here are a few recent pieces: 

Made with crayons

Pumpkins! Made with colored pencil

The Vision Board I mentioned :)

I should mention the orange piece and the pumpkin piece were made from pieces I found online, and were copied freehand by me. 

I will wrap up this post with a few movies my husband and I watched together recently: 

⟢ Movies

- 10 Things I Hate About You

- Interstellar

- Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

- Freaky Friday

- Enchanted

- Spy Kids

There you have it! A glimpse into my life. Heaven knows there is plenty more I could have included. 

I will be back soon, with another post. Until next time - 

- Amaris ☆ //

Quotes // ... also hello

Today I decided to go through some of my old blog drafts. 

Let me just tell you.... I was absolutely astounded at the sheer amount of The Hobbit, LotR, and Poldark posts that didn't get posted in the 2016-2016 era, I am afraid to look at how many actually did get posted! Dare I look through the archives...??

Looking through my old drafts was like an eerie trip down memory lane. It's been so long since I've thought about some of those old things I used to enjoy doing. I honestly can't believe that my life and identity tried so hard to revolve around what I was watching or reading. 

Back in the old blogging days, I remember feeling intimidated by the amount of good blogs that I followed and who followed me, that I wanted to post content that blended in with what everyone else was posting!

Of course, I actually did like those things, but I felt this pressure to post. Not from someone, but from myself.

I'm not completely sure what the threat was. I knew that I was not supposed to be different. Or, maybe I just had a lack of authentic creativity, I needed to take inspiration from others to be interesting? I don't know, the blogs I followed were so good, I wanted my blog to be the same!

Being my authentic self has been something that I've struggled with for a long time in life. I think it stems originally from growing up in a controlling household that promoted legalism and shame towards differences, rather than embracing differences. If I could tell my ultra-conservative upbringing one thing (although let's be honest, there's many things I would tell it), it's that not all differences are bad. 

If I want to listen to rock music in my bedroom, that shouldn't be something to yell at. 

Man, if my childhood could have had more pop punk music! But in those days, even confidence in children was something looked down upon. If a child was too confident, they were "a brat" or they were "bouncing off the walls". 

 

Looking back at all of my old posts, talking about things that I actually did enjoy doing, I'm struck by how much of myself I've forgotten. 

The time period of 2019 through 2022 changed me completely as a person because of several major life occurances, and some traumas brought on by, I'll just come clean, manipulative and controlling family members. And I feel like ever since 2022, the changes and decisions have only intensified, building up on each other. 

Through it all, I feel like a part of me went into hibernation, just to get through it. As a result, there are entire chunks of my life I just don't remember. I live days wondering who I am, and where I came from. In the intensity of difficulty, my brain chooses to forget. It's my cope, and it's something I've realized and been trying to heal. 

The good news is, there is healing. I am slowly remembering. I'll randomly remember pieces and instances of my childhood (the good ones!) and I'll excitedly tell my husband "I'm getting another memory!" And I'll also fight against it. For example, if in the middle of a difficult conversation, dare I say, at times "argument" with my husband, I'll catch and stop myself shutting down and instead do the right thing in the moment. Not always, however!

And at this point of my life, it feels like there are so many easy distractions at our fingertips to help us dissociate and forget what we are going through. Emotionally drained? Just scroll. It's an easy fix with dopamine hits sure to satisfy... in the short term at least. 

I too have been guilty of falling down this pattern of destructive habits that is the swirling vortex void of the internet and all it's distractions from the mundane. 

But, here's a thought, what if life is supposed to be boring? 

What if the mundane is utterly, purely blessed? 

What if the day in and day out, is a holy process, filled with meaning and life? 

I've decided I don't want to miss out on that. 

Also the fact that I'm finding it harder to have an original thought. 

My mind will blank in the middle of conversation, I will even avoid conversations about controversial or difficult topics because I don't trust myself to voice the reason of my own convictions, my own opinions even. Which is odd considering I'm an opinionated person. 

No more! In the coming days, including the here and now, my desire is to pursue focus, purpose, intentionality, and authenticity. 

I'm coaxing my psyche and my body that there is no more reason to be afraid, there is no more trauma to worry about. I have cut off the toxic people in my life. Difficult decisions, to be sure, but it turns out they are the most life giving decisions I have made. I have reached a point of healing where I'm figuring out how to shift from surviving to thriving, now that I don’t have to worry about it. 

I have already gained so much maturity in myself that even I can see it, in the year's time since I went no-contact. The boundaries have been fully and firmly held, and my emotional well being has done nothing to thank me for it ever since. 

I feel like a prisoner set free! No longer controlled. No longer shamed. No longer the receiver of unwanted opinions and judgments. 

I have my husband, I have my baby, I have my apartment, I have my job, and I have my walk with GOD, which has ALWAYS been there for me. 

Even in the crazy days of 2020 and 2021, where the vibrancy of my walk with GOD reached an intensity that I had never experienced before or since. 

I should share my 2020 testimony sometime! It started by dating in all the wrong people and it ended... with GOD. And also, surprisingly, a husband! Which I did not expect at all!

Will save this for another day. 

I promise to start posting more often. 

In the name of getting back into my old self, and finishing things that were left undone from years gone by.  

From the real me, this time. On my journey of authenticity and healing!

Starting with, this collection of quotes that was in my drafts, from 8/16/19.

Until next post ...

---

"How Christians live is directly related to their concept of God."
-John MacArthur, "The MacArthur Study Bible, Acts 16"


"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us."
-A.W. Tozer


"The legs in the stocks feel nothing when the heart is in heaven."
-John MacArthur, "The MacArthur Study Bible, Acts 16"


"The world wants you to be entertained by sin as if it is a recreation or right and not a poison." 
-Bible Study Fellowship Notes for 2 Samuel 13-18


"A whole lot of what we call struggling is simply delayed obedience."
-Elizabeth Elliot


"How could love bring such overflowing joy and such deep heartache at the same time?"
-Where We Belong, by Lynn Austin

"A man is what he thinks about all day long"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Rockbottom will teach you things that mountain tops never will." 

-Unknown

“What they’re not sorry for, they’re bound to repeat” 

-Unknown

“If you’re going to grow, something has to be taken off and something has to be put in its place. That’s what we do when we change clothes. That’s why we refer to this as the principle of replacement.” 

-Steve Viars on Ephesians 4 (from Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl's Heart by Bethany Beal and Kristen Clark page 179)

“The devil wrapped in silk is still the devil” 

-Unknown

-Amaris ☆ //

Since You've Been Gone

I haven't blogged in almost a year!! A few highlights to update my readers ~ or ~ 2021 Went Like This

~*~

I still work at The Home Depot. I hit two years there on August 5th, 2021. I started out as a part-time cashier, then when the Pandemic hit, I went to full-time Order Fulfillment Associate, and then in February of 2021, they gave me a special, on-going project to maintain and prioritize our top-selling merchandise on a week-to-week basis. This is my current position, but I just applied and interviewed for an open management position in my store. I should hear whether or not I got the spot in about a week!! 

I still work at a bowling ally. I hit two years there in November of 2021. But I have let my boss there know that I will be leaving in late February. It's been a fun two years, but it's time to prioritize other things in my life by spending time on other things than a second job. As well as Home Depot being the career that I want to prioritize!!

My best friend got married. It was my first time being in a wedding, and I was the Maid of Honor for my best friend! I always wanted to be in a wedding, and what more could I ask for. It was a beautiful, not-too-hot June afternoon, and I saw my best friend be given away to the man of her dreams. A special day stored in my heart. 

I met someone. This is the most significant highlight on this list! It was on February 28th, 2021 at a small group in my church. We became Bible study friends, and went through a lot of drama with that church that we met at, which we no longer attend. But our friendship continued. Throughout various trials of sticking together, the Lord strongly indicated to us that we were meant to be partners, so we continued pursuing that direction together. As time and our friendship progressed, we developed feelings, much to the fear on both our sides considering we had both had traumatizing experiences with having feelings for others in the past. But God urged us to continue on the path we were on, leading us to the inevitable relationship that, initially, neither of us thought we wanted. It took a lot of giving up our own desires and crucifying the flesh on both sides to reach the point of accepting and admitting that we were in love with each other. He was in a place where he wanted it to be "God and me" and he didn't think that there was ever going to be a woman in the picture, and after a few bad experiences with unbelieving and toxic women in his past, he was fine with that. As for me, I had a very tumultuous year in 2020 which ended in a breakup that broke me and drove me back to God's arms, with a resolve to spend the entirety of 2021 in singleness, with a similar "just God and me" mindset. So you can imagine my fear and PTSD when the LORD was leading me towards this man and indicating to me that my vow was being fulfilled in him and it was for the purpose of leading me to this man, which it did. I realized that my commitment to singleness was largely made because of fear of getting hurt again, and it took a significant process for both of us to let go of past fears and relationship trauma, and trust what God was clearly telling us that not only was it 'ok' for us to be together, but that God had a plan for our relationship, far more significant and long-term than either of originally anticipated when He told us to "be friends". Through all of that, here we now are, happily living life and making plans to be married this April. Never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams expected to find myself here now. My heart is amazed at my God. 

Coffee became a surprisingly big deal to me. My fiancé and I fell in love over coffee. Literally. In our early days of friendship together, we did a lot of Bible Study at various coffee shops throughout St. Charles (where we hope to live once we're married). We discussed and came to understand a lot of our relationship as it developed and progressed throughout the months that we were falling in love, and as well we both developed a deeper appreciation and understanding of quality coffee roasting and dialing in espresso. Our favorite place? Course Coffee Roasters in St. Charles, MO. They have contributed a lot to our love for coffee (we actually went there on our first date!! Also funny story we were engaged before we went on any dates, but that's aside!), so much that it's kind of a pipe dream of ours to have our own coffee shop someday. 

I hiked. My favorite place? Castlwood State Park. 

I learned a lot of things about following God... and realized how much I still don't know. One of the things I learned is that it's extremely rare and probably safe to say it's NEVER the case that God will lead you to do something that's not outside your comfort zone. In other words, following God is not easy. One thing I have found: if what you are hearing from God is not leadings you to constantly crucify your flesh, 1. It's probably not from God, and 2. your relationship with the LORD probably needs to be re-evaluated and re-prioritized. You have to always be willing to be wrong. You have to always be willing to be changed, stretched, pulled until it feels like it will kill you. You have to always be willing to hear whatever God might tell you. You have to have an open heart, and be willing to obey no matter what God tells you. And here's the thing about that, you won't enjoy it. BUT. For all the parts that are so uncomfortable, there are tremendous blessings.  Incredible blessing beyond your wildest imagination. Incredibly worth it. 

I would like to start blogging regularly again. I'm thinking of just posting on here little things that God tells me in life, and maybe it will bless or encourage you too. 

I don't know who reads my blog anymore, but it doesn't really matter because it felt good to post this. I hope you are all well. 

Amaris

Hello, My Lovely Peeps

This is a post to notify you of a hiatus.
I've posted on this blog pretty consistently over the last couple of months or so, but it has now come to the point that it's just too difficult to keep up with The Storybook Journal on top of everything else.

Yes, it is moving I speak of.
Yes, we are still in the middle of that.
We haven't found a place to go yet, but we have to be moved and out by... get ready... the 21st. Of this month.
*exhales*
So... I don't know when I'll be back to posting all the time again. Perhaps I'll be able to sneak in a short update post here and there, but I don't know.

In any case, I will not be completely unconnected with you all... those of you who have an Instagram can find me on there, because I will probably still post stuff. After all, it's just pictures. Not much thought involved.

So anyways, I hope you have a good couple of weeks or so, and for now, goodbye!
Wait, no. It is not goodbye, it is just farewell, for a little while.

(I feel like that's a quote from somewhere... but I don't know where...)

See ya.
-Amaris

(not my picture, but it's pretty)

A Few Random Things

Hello there!

Here I am with a random sort of post, with no purpose other than to update you on a few things. A few little... changes.
If you're bored with those kinds of post, I suggest you leave now (you can go; I won't be offended).

Photo Credit: ME. Taken with the iPhone X.

The first, and main thing is that I got my little item that I've been saving for. I promised I would tell you what it is in my March Highlights post, but sadly certain situations kept me from buying it by then.

But now.... I got it.

You might have already guessed what it is, or maybe you've actually seen it, but if you're still clueless...
...
...

It's a smartphone. I got a smartphone.

Not just any smartphone, but MY FIRST smartphone (yep; I updated from a flippy. The guys at the Apple store were shocked too).
And not just any kind of smartphone, an IPHONE.
To be specific, the iPhone X.
Yeah, I know. Why the heck do I need the latest and the smartest? Well, I WAS originally going to go with the iPhone 8+, but when I went to look at it a few months ago, It was HUGE. Like, WAY HUGE. Not my thing at all.
The iPhone X was right next to it, so I started handling it, and... I was sold.
The rest is history. It's a great phone; I think I made a good choice. :)
It's also got a great camera, and I know I'll get good use out of that! (the above picture was taken with my phone!)

SO.

MY OTHER UPDATES.
 Because I got a phone, I got an Instagram. :) I posted my first post a couple of days ago, and if you're interested, here I am: @amaris_todd.
I'm really enjoying it so far. I've actually tried to find some of your bloggers out there, but with no luck! So please; follow me so that I can find you! :D

The other thing is that I changed my blog look again. It's a bit overdue... the first day of Spring was almost a month ago now? But if you've ever moved houses before, you know how it is to not have time for anything.  -_-
But anywho. I traded the cool marble-y tones of Winter for the pinks and taupes of Spring. :)
I hope you like it!

Also, the moving is going really well; our house is spotless, and quite nice. I'll let you know when we're actually... moving.

In any case, those were a few updates for you! Go check me out on Instagram; I hope to soon begin posting more.

Thank you for reading!!

-Amaris

p.s. Do let me know what you think of the new blog look!