Life, Grief & Gratefulness.

Hello, Friends.

It's been awhile! 

I had a whole post I was writing that went into great detail of the last 2 or so months of my life. But it was getting to the point that I knew it was too long but I didn't know how to trim it down and still say what I wanted to say. So, I'm going to leave that post in the drafts for now and try again here. 

Life has been....life. 

Changes in Childhood

Due to shifting job situations, I actually worked full time for a short 2-month period, while my husband was the stay-at-home-parent. During this time, our oldest son Malachi developed a LOT. Vocabulary, behavior, capabilities. It was like he was a completely new kid from 2 months earlier. 

Malachi meeting his first cat! He had seen only pictures of cats prior to meeting this one. Her name is "Mrs. Timbers".

The sad part of this is that I was at work and I feel like I lost touch with him a little bit. I lost the hang of his lingo and swiftly changing habits. 

But, that all changed when in February our lives changed forever with the birth of our second son...

Then Came Abram

My sweet little son was born late in February, who we named Abram. 

How did the birth go? Well, to put it shortly, we started with the attempt at a VBAC and ended at a second-time C-section. But, I feel like the birth experience overall was as redeeming as it could be, and a strength and bravery was revealed in me that I didn't know I possessed. 

We had to induce at 37 weeks due to polyhydramnios. We tried the induction for two days before we landed on a c-section due to failure to progress. But up until I had the C-section I was completely pain med free, which is a huge personal accomplishment for me. 

Once we had to do the surgery, at first I was greatly anxious due to my trauma from my first rather dramatic and difficult C-section (and subsequent recovery). 

But this one went completely smoothly, and I was able to overcome my feelings of dread and panic and instead showed myself to be brave beyond my expectations. 

My Valentine's Bouquet which I took with me to give birth at the hospital.

There is an underlying disappointment with the fact that I had to have another surgery. 

My greatest wish was to have a VBAC. 

But my gratefulness and happiness far outweighs that feeling, knowing the personal journey I went through to be strong and stand up for myself, and advocate for myself in the process, and standing face to face with the thing that scared me, and choosing to be brave rather than succumb to fear or discomfort. 

All resulting in a sweet tiny child at the end, who I could take home and love. 

This blanket is the finished crochet project that I worked on during my pregnancy. I was trying to go for the old fashioned "granny" look while still creating something that I liked as far as colors and design. I'm really proud of how it turned out!

Since the birth, my life has drastically changed with the expected way that a new baby typically brings.

Late nights, messiness, diapers, tears, tiredness, adorable-ness, laughter. 

There's something about the late nights up with a baby. A vulnerability. A sense of space, and peace. A sense of holiness. These moments are sacred and few in life. 

Today, my son will never be this young again. And tomorrow, he will be older than he ever has. 

There is no going back, only forward. 

Each passing moment contains both a grief of the passing of time with the moments it leaves behind, and gratefulness for the present moment, with the joy ahead to be had.

Having a Spring baby means I can go on walks with a tiny bundle strapped to me!

So... what else has been going on? 

Watching Movies

I have been on a huge movie kick lately. I have been living in the "free with ads" section of YouTube lately. BUT... I've also bought some to rent (I don't do streaming services). I'm planning a whole entire post to speedrun through some of my movie opinions, but here is a sampling of a few favorite movies from that list: 

• Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) - 4 out of 10. Funny, iconic. Also stupid. Also not my type of movie. 
• Letters to Juliet (2010) - 10 out of 10. A rewatch from my childhood. The perfect rom-com, no notes.
• Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005) - 10 out of 10. My husband and I adored this movie. So sweet and heartfelt. 
• Age of Adaline (2015) - 2 out of 10. Stupid, took it self way too seriously, tried so hard to have meaning when it didn't have much at all. Also, Blake Lively. Ew. 
• Last Holiday (2006) - 10 out of 10. This is a trailer I saw when I was a kid and I never watched it until now. Worth it, loved it. Adorable. Hollywood has changed so much for the worse since they made movies like this. Was nice to go back in time. 
• Groundhog Day (1993) - 10 out of 10. A classic. Even my husband loved it. Adorable. Thought provoking. Timeless.

Last Holiday (2006)

Discovering New Tastes in Beverage (And Enjoying Classics)

I tried matcha once or twice 3 years ago and disliked it greatly. My official takeaway from that experience was that I was "not a matcha person". Well, flash forward to now. I decided to try it again, because who knows. I got a new seasonal drink at one local coffee shop, Upshot Coffee Brake Shop. It was a strawberry matcha. And well, I really liked it. I got it a few more times, and still liked it! 

Could it be, I wondered, that I actually like matcha after all?

I got some matcha of my own, to further test it. I also made some strawberry syrup (dice up strawberries, cover them in sugar, leave on your counter and shake it or stir it once a day or so in an airtight container, once there are no more sugar crystals, strain the strawberries, and voila!). 

Now I drink an iced strawberry matcha latte once or twice a week, and I think there's no going back! 

It's hard not to take pictures of strawberry matcha lattes, even if the lighting is bad, because they are just so pretty!

Finding Time to Make Art

I really miss the days of 2018 and 2019 where I was drawing very consistently and thus improving consistently. It was very enjoyable to me. I often think about those days, and wish I were doing that again. I feel this way about many things, actually (will probably write a future post about that). But, I'm trying to spend more time doing those things, instead of wishing I was doing them. So, I started with something pretty easy and satisfying. Ink patterns! Most ideas I find on Pinterest, but a few patterns I've come up on my own. These patterns I speak of are not quite like optical illusions, but they are adjacent to that, and have the same vibe. 

Here are a few recents (as well as my first ever "junk journal" page, which I made from a chocolate bar package and a tea package): 

Made with a chocolate bar paper package, a tea bag box, and the rest with markers. I winged it and I like how it turned out. 

New Plants to Love 

I am always trying to improve my skills when it comes to keeping and caring for house plants. 

I have had many plants die over the years, some sooner, some later. 

The goal is to keep pushing the dying later and later until we rarely experience a death! 

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A recent acquired plant, a Tokyo Sun. Isn't she cute?

At least I know which plants I'm most likely to keep alive at this point in time. Golden Pothos! I like to bring in a new on every so often, as well as difference species. 

Pictured are a few new ones I've got recently, and my hope (and prayer...) is that they will last as long as possible!

That is all for now!

Farewell, friends. 

~ Amaris // ☆

Why I Stopped Posting My Child's Face Online

I recently made the decision to stop posting my child's face on my social media profiles (including Facebook, Instagram, etc.)

I'm aware that there are a lot of people that I know that still do this. And honestly, that's fine. I do not judge them for that. Everyone has the right to decide what to do with their own social media accounts, AND their kids. But, the fact that I know so many moms and am friends online with so many mom's who do this, I didn't want to post my reasoning on those accounts because I know it will come off as some kind of virtue signaling, or just "look at me and my decisions, they are better than yours". I'm not trying to give that impression. 

Plant Haven

So I figure, I'll post my reasonings on my blog, which hardly anyone reads, much less the people I'm online friends with on those platforms. I'm making it so that if someone wants to dig hard enough, they can and will see my reasons, and that's fine! If they never find this, that's fine too. I'm putting this out there in the world in case the right people do come across it. I'm not trying to say that everyone's values and views should be the same as my values and views. But, if you come across this post, I hope it will give you something to think about!

So with that out of the way...

I'm a fairly new mom. I have a two year old son, and if you caught my last post, you'll know I'm also pregnant with our second child (gender to be discovered!) When I first had my son, I was like any other new mom, posting the newborn hospital pictures on my feed, announcing my sweet baby's arrival, and the subsequent monthly updates. 

I don't think I realized it fully at the time, but even back then I felt... weird about it. As long as I've had a social media, I think I've been like everyone else where I'm trying to pick the best and favorite edited photos in my camera roll to share the highlights that I want to share. I did this back in 2020 when I shared some of my makeup looks, and I've done it on the blog for years when I share some of my VSCO edited photos of my every day life. 

It gets a little weirder to me when thinking about what pictures of my son, my child, LOOK the best that I want to post and share with people and the world. 

Posting my child online, subconsciously made me to ask these questions when considering which ones to post - 

Which of these photos does he look the cutest? 

Which of these photos show my best vsco editing on him? 

In which of these photos does he showcase the kind of child I want to be seen as raising? 

Which of these photos is worthy to showcase the announcement that my son has finally entered the world? (out of the 75 of them I took, trying to get the "perfect photo" for my son's newborn announcement)

Maybe at this point you can start to see where my "ick" has come from at the beginning. Why would I think it's appropriate to have such an appearance mindset towards my baby son?

My son is barely alive. Barely born into this world, and by posting him online, I'm subjecting him to this type of scrutiny, even if only in myself, even without realizing it. 

I recognize that not everyone will even have the same mindset about choosing photos of their children. Maybe no one is thinking anything remotely like those questions above. 

But, as I grew my "mom knowledge", another huge reason to avoid posting my son started to make itself known.

Privacy, safety, and consent. 

The internet has evolved so much since I was young. Predators are constantly finding new ways to be, well, predatory, online. I'm not going to cite my sources here, you can do as much as a google search to find out more about what I'm talking about. But nowadays, AI software is so advanced it can be used to change an innocent photo into something very realistic that can be used for evil. Even apart from AI usage, I have known people personally who was involved and trusted in church, but was actually a child predator. He would google pictures of little girls to use them for his fantasizing and f*etish behavior. Truly disgusting stuff. I would not be surprised if he used pictures on Facebook of friend's kids for the same thing. 

And you know what, sure. Any predator online can do anything they want to any photo online, including of me! This isn't exclusive to children. I have to make my own decisions about my own face online based on that knowledge. But the fact that my child is a minor and is unable to consent to any of that, is where I draw the line. 

My son does not have the ability to decide if he wants to subject his face to random online predators. He is two. It's my job as his mother to protect him in the ways that he can't protect himself. 

If I'm out in public and someone is filming my child without my notice or knowledge, then there's nothing I can do about that, sadly. That person will receive their due payment for their behavior. But subjecting my son to predatory behavior and even just scrutiny online is something that I can control.

Some might believe that their children's pictures are "safe" just because they have their accounts private. 

I thought that too, and to this day my accounts are still private (even thought all my son's photos are removed by this point). 

The fact is, your child's pictures are simply NOT guaranteed safe within a specified group of people just because they are posted on a private account. Screenshots are a thing. And chances are, people you know (or think you know) aren't who you think they are. Remember the dude I knew personally that I mentioned above? He was involved and respected and trusted in the church. Perfect "private friend group" material (also don't worry, he's in jail now).

But I want to share child updates with my friends online! Great. Do that without pictures. You can type a post about your child's development and funny quirks without any pictures at all (on Facebook). Or better yet, if my friends want to keep themselves updated on my life and my kid's progress, they can come see me and my kids personally! That's what hanging out is for. That's what a village is for. That's what church fellowship is for. 

This leads me to one last point about no longer sharing my child's face online - which is kind of a perk! I can't tell you how many mom friends I know who, as soon as they had kids, their social medias are just FULL of their kids. It's all about their kids. You go onto their profile, with their name on it, and I can't even find the person, cause it's allllll about their kids! 

Again, this is fine, and whoever wants to do this, is totally fine. But I think a big part of "losing yourself" in motherhood is blending your life with your kids in ways that you don't really need to. Of course, becoming a mother completely changes your life. This is a wonderful thing, this is how it should be! But each individual mother in the world is still a person, and still themselves! Why not utilize YOUR social media, to showcase YOUR updates? And YOUR likes and dislikes? And YOUR hobbies? And YOUR favorite foods? And YOUR milestones? Your profile has YOUR name on it, after all!

Even if you're a mom, YOU ARE NOT YOUR KIDS! 

I'm a new mom myself, but I've already met many many moms who struggle with this. They even come to resent their kids for it! 

We can be great mothers, but I also believe that our individuality is a priceless gift! 

GOD made me, ME. He gave me children, and being their caregiver is part of who I am. But it's not ALL of who I am. Just like being a wife is not ALL of who I am. 

I am me, a child of GOD, made in His image first and foremost. 

After all, if people want to be update on my life, they can come to MY social media and be satisfied. Because it's my social media, and I'm an adult posting myself and/or other adults who consent to be a photo on my page.

At this point I've seen enough and heard enough online and otherwise in my personal experiences in life that this is the conviction I've come to have and therefore must follow through on it. Again, I recognize not everyone agrees or feels this way, and that's totally fine. But I hope that if you have found this post and read my thoughts, maybe it will help your thoughts on it too! 

If you have any thoughts you want to share, feel free to leave a comment!

~ Amaris // ☆