Grieving the Living

Hello Friends - 

If you have been reading this blog for the past 1-2 years or so, you may recall reading that my husband and our family made the decision to go no contact with a family member awhile back. 

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This is a topic that has come up several times here on the blog. That fact reflects the reality of my life, in that the processing and grieving is a frequent thing for me.

Every day our north facing windows get just a single gleam of sunlight in the late afternoon. Who better to benefit than my lowly and lovely pothos? 

I won't discuss in detail who the family member was, (though you don't have to be a Pinkerton level detective to piece together who it is based on my past posts, LOL) because this post is about my thoughts not on the person, but on the aftermath, and my journey with forgiveness and the rollercoaster of ups and downs that come with all of it. 

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The amount of time that has passed since the no-contact decision was made (in 2023) has given me ample time to process it, heal from it, grow from it, as well as feel all the feelings associated with it a million times over. 

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The feeling that I would never escape the anger and pain was very prominent in the weeks following the initial cutoff. I worried, too, about the fact that I was feeling those feelings in the first place. After all, I don't want to be some unforgiving, angry, embittered individual who hated the memory and impact of this person (who shall henceforth be referred to as "the narc" for ease of writing).

This was taken the same month that I went no contact with the person. We were visiting Webster Groves and had a lovely time with our still-new son.

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But the hope of the situation is that I have learned some very important truths from October 2023 through July 2025: 

❀ I don't need to be worried about the angry and bitter phases of this process ❀ 

It is perfectly appropriate to allow each stage of grief to come and go multiple times over, including the phases where I am angry and feeling resentful. This is a natural and complex part of the grieving process. 

My small child at our favorite coffee shop

❀  The process of grief is not predictable and should not be put on a time limit ❀ 

A huge part of this fact is managing the expectations. I would have expected to be "healed" and "happy" about the whole thing by now. But the reality is, focusing on how long this thing is taking is just distracting from the real work and effort of healing at all. It does me no good to indulge in the disappointment of thinking "Hey! I thought I already healed and forgiven this part!" But instead to extend patience to myself, much like I would extend patience with my toddler, when he has difficult moods, or even my husband. I deserve the same care of patience as they deserve to receive it from me.

Our favorite coffee shop has the coziest and cutest chairs!

❀ Each and every stage of the healing journey can be felt, and should be felt freely ❀ 

But each of the feelings should be felt objectively, and with the understanding that the feelings aren't me. They are passersby. Here today, gone tomorrow. They too, shall pass. My identity is not determined by how I am feeling, but by what I believe, and what the Bible tells me I am in Christ.

❀ Working through feelings of anger, bitterness, and even un-forgiveness isn't a "sin" problem ❀ 

In fact, it's a reflection of the feeling nature that GOD made us as emotional beings, in HIS image! Now don't get me wrong, intentionally choosing to indulge in these feelings can be problematic, and at times, sinful. But allowing them to pass through me and around me, being an observer, is normal and an important part of understanding that I am not those feelings! 

Upshot Coffee Brake Shop

❀ Hope and progress is evidenced by the fact that every time I complete a phase of anger, I am more healed when it is over ❀ 

If I were to over-occupy myself in worrying about and micromanaging the times that I feel angry, then I would be too caught up in self-correcting myself and miss the opportunities to learn what GOD has for me in that phase. 

❀ I've come to acknowledge and accept that in the larger picture, the pain won't ever go away fully, but life will just get bigger around it ❀ 

After all, what is life full of, besides this pain of loss? 

I get to:

• Focus on and spend time with the people who really know me.
• Focus on getting to know myself, and watching my hobbies, interests, and values evolve with time.
• Try new things intentionally, and not be complacent in ways that are not healthy or helpful for progress.
• Focus on improving my own mentalities about life with self-reflection and self-examination, because not tolerating the narc's behavior, means that I also should not tolerate it in myself.
• Get closer to GOD who made me, and allowed me all the feelings that come with a complicated situation.

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Well friends, that's all for now. 

The thoughts above don't necessarily have to apply to the particular grief I am experiencing with losing a family member that I no longer speak to. 

They can apply to many difficult decisions in life, and any regret. If I've learned anything besides what I talk about above, it's that there are lots of things in life that can cause grief, not just by losing someone. 

So if you are in a season of grieving, or know someone who is (for ANY reason), just know that I'm praying for you. And I hope you are encouraged by the words above!

Until next time - 

p.s. I also wanted to throw out there, that a big part of me learning to heal and grow from the situation is actually, surprisingly, NOT talking about it that much. When everything was fresh, I used to often include it in an introduction to myself, or at least include it in conversation within the first few talks with a person I was getting to know. It was getting to be very "Hi, my name is Amaris and this [Insert Trauma Here] happened to me". Such a drag, right! I came to this realization, and had to stop myself - because the more I was doing that, the more I was making the situation a part of my identity, a part of me. And the last thing I want to do is let this all develop into a victim mentality. 

Maybe, just maybe, I don't even need to talk about this until, like, I don't know, I'm at a much deeper level of friendship with people I trust and who would benefit from hearing my story. 

Revolutionary, I know. I'm learning! And that's all I can do. 

All that to say... after this post, I'm planning to not mention it very much here on the blog, if at all. Because... at this point, why? Yes, it played a part in making me who I am. But there are so much MORE and BETTER things that have made me who I am. Things that have determined what I enjoy today. Things that determine what I believe in today. Things that make me... me today. 

So my intention is to focus on these things instead, for the most part. That is not to say, that I don't plan to talk about difficult things in my life I'm going through. I do plan on that, and will do so, because otherwise I don't think this blog would be an authentic representation of my thoughts that it always has been or that I desire it to be! 

I just want to have discernment with how much I put out there, how often, and keeping in mind WHO I am choosing to become by how little or how much I talk about it. 

There, that's all for real this time. NOW I'm done. Ok, go enjoy the rest of your day. :)

- Amaris ☆ //

A Small Devotional From Psalm 27

Whilst reading this Psalm on a rainy Wednesday morning at my favorite coffee place, I was struck by a theme of Psalm 27. I noticed that there are mainly two "characters" in this Psalm... God, and the Psalmist. The thing about this chapter that God pointed out to me, and stuck out at me the most was the different roles, or actions, from each 'character'. I think these "roles" say a lot and give good insight about what God's behavior is and attributes are, and also about what our (and the Psalmist's) role and responsibilities are in response to God's behavior. I'd like to outline them here, for your observation. 

These are not polished up in any real way, just note that these are my own observations and interpretations of the Psalm. By all means dig into the chapter yourself and see if you notice the same things!!

God's Behavior:

-He is the Light

-He is my Salvation

-My Defense

-My reason for Confidence

-The Beauty I get to behold

-The One Who conceals me

-The One Who hides me

-The One Who lifts me up

-The One Who commands me to Seek His Face

-My Help

-The One Who takes me up when I am forsaken

-The One who Teaches me His Way

-The One Who Leads me in a Level Path

My (& the Psalmist's) Role in Response:

-I have no reason for fear or dread

-I can be confident in, and as a result of, the LORD

-I can dwell in His House

-I can Seek

-I can behold His beauty

-I can meditate in His temple

-My head is lifted by God

-I am able to offer sacrifices in praise

-I can cry to God

-I am commanded, and empowered, to obey the Lord by seeking

-I can believe that I will see the goodness of God

-I can wait for the LORD

-My heart can take courage

My favorite verses in this chapter //

Psalm 27 : 1 

The LORD is my Light and my Salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?

Psalm 27 : 4

One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD and to meditate in His temple. 

Psalm 27 : 6

And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me, And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

Psalm 27 : 8

When You said, "Seek My face", my heart said to You "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek".

Psalm 27 : 10

For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up.

Until next time, friends.

-Amaris

☆

Psalm 50 : 6
And the heavens declare His righteousness,
For God Himself is judge.

Psalm 89 : 5-6a
The heavens will praise Your wonders, O LORD;
Your faithfulness also in the assembly of the holy ones.
For who in the skies is comparable to the LORD?

Psalm 97 : 6
The heavens declare His righteousness,
And all the peoples have seen His glory.

Psalm 19 : 1
the heavens are telling of the glory of GOD;
And their expanse is declaring the work of His hands.

Psalm 8 : 1 
O LORD, our LORD,
How majestic is Your name in all the earth,
Who have displayed Your splendor above the heavens!

Psalm 57 : 5
Be exalted above the heavens, O God;
Let Your glory be above all the earth.

Psalm 57 : 9-11
I will give thanks to You, O LORD, among the peoples; 
I will sing praises to You among the nations.
For Your lovingkindness is great to the heavens and Your truth to the clouds.
Be exalted above the heavens, O God;
Let Your glory be above all the earth.

Psalm 113 : 4-6
The LORD is high above all nations;
His glory is above the heavens.
Who is like the LORD our GOD,
Who is enthroned on high,
Who humbles Himself to behold
The things that are in heaven and in the earth?

- Amaris //

// spending time with God : //

You guys; I can't 'recommend' God enough.

In all the hard times I've been through in the last 9 months or so, I could NOT have gone through it without God.
I mean, I barely got through it at all (for example : I've never had anxiety attacks before, yet so far this year I've had three -_-), but as hard as things were (and still are), God was there for me every step of the way, and I grew to love Him and rely on Him like I never have before.
And I'm still learning!
I'm especially learning that growth with God never stops. Even when I feel like I've learned so much and think I've come so far with Him, He will show me through something in my life that I have still so much to learn!
A relationship with God is never ending, and that's the best thing about Him in my opinion.

Top reasons I love spending time with God:

// spending time with God : puts my problems back in their place //
To me, this is one of the sweetest things about spending time praying to God and reading in His word. All my troubled and anxious thoughts are put into an amazing perspective that only God can give. What things am I worried about, anxious about, angry about, obsessed about that really don't matter very much? Turns out, quite a few.

Photo credit: Me

// spending time with God : gives me ways to relate to other believers //
Ever heard of church friends? My life has improved in countless ways since I started asking advice from mature Christian friends in my life! God has blessed me with several people in particular at my new church who have helped me grow as a woman in God, all because the LORD moved in my heart to open up to them and ask!

// spending time with God : calms my anxiety //
If you're new here, here's a fact about me. I have anxiety. It's rather bad, actually. It comes and goes in waves throughout different periods of my life. For example, in 2016-2017, I was having a really good two years and I had almost no anxiety. For real, I had almost none. It was awesome. But, things in my life started to change (not necessarily in my external life, but actually largely internal) in 2018 and this year, and it's gotten truly bad and difficult to deal with yet again. But during these times, the word of GOD is even more of a comfort to me! I am incredibly blessed with verses such as these :

Psalm 34:17-18
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 51:12
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.

Photo credit: Me

// spending time with God : reminds me who i am //
As a girl in her early twenties, I am still learning who I am in this life. Who am I living for? What is my purpose? What paths should I take to glorify God? What friends should I try to make? What friends do I let go of? What kind of friend should I be to others? What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? Why do I struggle with this or that? You get the idea. Going back to the perspective thing, spending time with God helps me to hear from Him about who I truly am supposed to be, and puts in perspective the things that I am worried about. That post that I published a bit ago about being single? That came from many hours worth of praying to God and asking Him how He wants me to live my single life, whether it be just for now, or the rest of my life. He has helped me - and is still helping me - see that I don't need another person to be a better version of myself. Believing the lie that I am not complete without "mY oThEr HaLf" would be coming from a place of insecurity and not trusting that God has good plans for me whether they include a significant other or not.

2 Timothy 1:7
for GOD gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.


// spending time with God : reminds me who He is //
I truly believe with all of my heart that God is the best thing that can happen to a person. I think this pin describes my thoughts well:

I like those words. "If you KNEW". God is so mighty, and full of blessing and satisfaction! When Paul went to visit the city of Athens, he noticed that the Athenians had many false gods. They were SO religious, in fact, that they even had a statue dedicated 'TO AN UNKNOWN GOD' for whatever god they might have missed! Well, needless to say, Paul had their answer. He was passionate about showing the Athenians that the One True God is here! He is not unknown but wants to be known by us! The Athenians worshiped the created things when they could be worshiping the Creator! Of course, some of the Athenians scoffed at Paul's words (you can read the full story in Acts 17 if you want), but the concept is rather simple: having the 'unknown god' but not discovering who He is or getting to know Him is like having an amazing subscription box delivered to your house with all the incredible things inside but not opening it! It doesn't make any sense to do that.
I truly believe that the LORD is the answer to all problems and He is full of blessing, and reading His word and spending time with Him helps me learn and remember all the ways that He is amazing.

I will close with this verse, from one of my favorite books of the Bible during this time:

Psalm 116:7
Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

Photo credit: Me

~ Amaris // ☆


What does GOD mean to you? What is the best thing God has done for you lately? What is your favorite way to get to know Him?

Where We Belong // Lynn Austin

I just finished the book and wrote the review on Goodreads, when I decided to post it here as well. 
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My Review:
Overall, the book wasn't my favorite Lynn Austin book. She is such a good writer, and I admire so much of her work. This book wasn't badly written. It wasn't boring. It wasn't frustrating.
It just wasn't great.
It wasn't 'Hidden Places', it wasn't 'Wonderland Creek', and in my opinion the execution of each character's backstory was better carried out in 'Eve's Daughters' than in 'Where We Belong'.
BUT.
This book was special in it's own way, and had it's heart-wrenching, heart-warming, lovely and moving moments that left me thanking God that He is the way He is. Yes, this is a fiction story. But God is very real. His love is the realest thing you can experience.
Austin did a stunning job with this book in particular of bringing His loving and redemptive nature to life throughout the story, in the way the sisters cared, served and shown incredible mercy, grace, and love to certain characters in the book.
I also really loved the way everything came together at the end of the book. This happy ending story wasn't without heartbreak, which is a reminder that we never know how God will work. You never know how He will use you in ways that you can't imagine, and might never comprehend until heaven. It was a blessed reminder that it doesn't matter where you've been, what you've done, who you were in your past. Jesus flips that upside down. He's dying (literally- and rising again) to reach out to those very people.
In the words of 'The Pilgrim's Progress':

"Apollyon accused, "You almost fainted when you first set out, when you almost choked in the Swamp of Despond. You also attempted to get rid of your burden in the wrong way, instead of patiently waiting for the Prince [GOD] to take it off. You sinfully slept and lost your scroll, you were almost persuaded to go back at the sight of the lions, and when you talk of your journey and of what you have heard and seen, you inwardly desire your own glory in all you do and say."

To which Christian simply replies:

"All this is true, and much more that you have failed to mention...But the Prince [GOD] whom I now serve and honor is merciful and ready to forgive. Besides, these infirmities possessed me while I was in your country, for there I allowed them to come in. But I have groaned under them, have been sorry for them, and have obtained pardon from my Prince."

The LORD only can say who you are, what you are. No mistakes you've made can define you, as well as no good thing you can do. You will find this nowhere else, including religions. When religion demands "do", Christ states simply, "done".

But back to reviewing the book.

To be honest, the book helped me in my personal journey of loving and submitting to God in my own heart during this particular season of my life, and I've been a 'believer' for close to 10 years now (I've been churched all my life and I said "the prayer" at age 9, but I didn't really begin to grasp God's love for me and live my life for Him until I was closer to 12-14)! Who knows what God will do with my path as the years go on and my journey of life continues. It is my resolve to trust Him as He guides me along the way.
I love how so much of the sister's life was included, and how it all came to a beautiful and satisfying conclusion of how God brought things together, as is His way.
That's why, while not as good as some, this book has a special place in my heart and I will always connect it in my mind to the season that I am personally walking through right now.

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Well, that is all. I just wanted to share my thoughts. This book holds a special place in my heart for another reason - when I first received it for my birthday in January of 2018, I was still in my old childhood home. Everything in my life has prevented me from reading and enjoying books since then - including moving twice. I tried reading this book several times, only to read a chapter or two and then leave it for weeks untouched before being able to pick it up and focus again. It's been a difficult year and a half since I read the first chapter and so many things in my life have changed I can't even count them all- but a few things have remained constant. The LORD, and my underlying love for books, reading, and imagination, even while not having the time or the  mental energy to focus on enjoying them. My heart for those things was still there-lying beneath the surface as everything I thought I could count on in my life practically dissolved before my eyes.

Only in the last month, I've finally started to come back to my old way of doing things. My old hobbies, my old enjoyments, my old state of mental health. It's still rough, but God is still there. He is my constant Companion when everyone around me fails me or lets me down- and in being so, proving He's different and can be trusted. I don't ever want to take a break from books again- I hope that in the future, no matter what difficulties or trials I walk through, I will always come from a healthy place in my mind where I can focus on and enjoy a well-written story.
This is the book that I began at the beginning of that 'taking-a-break-from-books-and-everything-i-found-pleasure-in' season, and 'Where We Belong' ended just now... as that season is coming to an end. I'm not sure of very many things, but I'm quite sure that Lynn Austin books will always mean a lot to me.

That's all, friends.
I hope you've having a good day!

What about you? Have you read this book? What did you think of it? What book or author means a lot to you?

-Amaris ☆

Waiting for Nothing

When I was 14, I read all the best Christian books about purity and singleness.
You name it, I read it.
"How to wait for God's best with a romantic relationship", "How to serve God while waiting", etc. (those aren't actual titles but you get the idea).
I felt really good about reading those books. And what's more, I felt confident in my ability to 'wait for God's best'.
Life went on, and I waited, like the books told me to.
It went pretty well. I kept waiting.
To be honest, it was easy. I was 15, 16, 17, who needs a relationship anyway? Certainly not me! None of my friends had boyfriends and they were were single too. It was all good. I kept waiting.


I'm 21 now... and I'm still 'waiting'.
Yeah, I know I'm still young, and a lot can happen as the years go on. But the problem is, for some reason back then I thought that 'waiting' would get easier the longer I did it. Well, that's not true. It actually gets harder. 
The main reason it's harder is because many people my age are getting into relationships. They're kissing each other. They're getting engaged. Married. And they're my age.
What's more, most of these couples are clearly following God's will and serving Him - together.
To be honest, it would be easier if they were all pursuing sinful relationships.
But they're not.
They're serving God, and they're working hard.
But wait...
I'm doing those things too.
So... where's my godly romantic relationship?
Man that's hard.
Feelings of doubt and fear and even anger and jealously make a home in my mind.


I entertain anxiety: by wondering if I'm not good enough. What can I do to be good enough so God will give me my heart's desire? I might struggle with social anxiety because I'm afraid no one will like me. (Philippians 4:6)

I struggle with doubt: I ask myself if it's truly God's plan that I never meet someone and marry, what if being single all my life is not going to be good enough? I don't know if I trust God with my happiness. (Proverbs 3:5-6)


I battle anger & jealousy: why should other couples have what I want? Why should they have their romantic desires fulfilled when I am serving God just as much, maybe more? I'm the one who deserves this. I find myself getting annoyed when people talks about couples. I struggle praying for other couple's relationships. I try to avoid hanging out with couples because spending time with people who have what I want is hurtful to me (mostly my pride). (Philippians 4:19, Philippians 2:3)


I don't know if any of these sound familiar.
Maybe you're struggling too. Maybe you're not.
In my case, I have to learn, first of all, to recognize the entertainment of these thoughts for what they are; Sin. Specifically, discontentment. (Isaiah 64:6)
Discontentment is the umbrella sin above every sin listed above. Anxiety, fear, worry, doubt, anger, jealousy, bitterness. It all stems from not being content in what God has given me. You know what they say, the grass is always greener. So what's at the root of discontentment? Unbelief.


Being discontent is not believing that God has this under control.
It's not trusting that He knows best, and knows what He's doing with my life. Like I said above, it's worrying that God's plan for me isn't good enough.
What a distorted, twisted mess sin makes things!
The good news is, no matter the struggle, there's always hope.
I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. (Psalms 42:11)


No matter the lies, there are always truths from God to replace them.
The first thing I want to point out is this: Sin distorts what God meant to be good. It's ok to want a romantic partner. It's ok to desire an intimate relationship. It's natural and healthy. That's why God created romance! He is the Founder and Author of romantic intimacy.
But when they are allowed to mix with negative thoughts and fester in the mind, these natural and godly desires can turn into so many unhealthy and sinful desires.
So, what can we do? What can I do?
I am still struggling with this; every single day. (Romans 6:17)


But here's what God has been telling me about being single.
First of all, let's clear this up: No matter what you've heard in Hallmark movies, there's not 'someone for everyone'. If you're single and hoping to get married some day, listen to this. You. Might. Never. Get. Married.
I know... I'm a dream crusher. But consider this for a second:
What if you start living your life as if you'll never get married? What would that look like?
What if you begin making a better life for yourself right now; instead of waiting to make a life with someone else (the 'love of your life') some day?
Believe me, you don't want to look back one day (married or not!) and wish and wonder why you didn't grab hold of God's best life for you while you could.
Live your best life for God NOW!
Create a life for yourself that you are so in love with that even if you don't get married, you'll barely miss it.


Because:
Imagine the flip-side.
Imagine spending years 'waiting' and 'preparing' yourself to be married one day, only to discover at one point or another that it's not in God's plan for you to be married... ever?
All those years I spent holding onto that romantic movie quote; 'There's someone for everyone'?
What an absolute waste of time. (Proverbs 14:12)
The truth is: I am a whole person; a beautiful, amazing, complete, happy person, without anyone else. I should not be spending my time waiting or searching for 'my other half' because I'M NOT A HALF. This is true not just for me, but everyone who reads this.



You've probably heard many people say that life is about waiting.
It's true, we wait for many things in life. Life includes waiting. But I believe that life is, in fact, not about waiting. Especially for things that might not ever happen.
Life is about growing in the LORD, and trusting Him no matter what He gives. It's about taking what He gives me and relying on Him to help me make the most of it. Because what I have, what you have, is truly amazing with or without a relationship. (Psalms 9:10)

Will I be happy if the LORD gives me a husband one day? Yes.
Will I be happy if I never get married as long as I live? Still yes.

And guess what? You will too. (Psalm 37:4)
So that's my message for you. That's my takeaway from this post, and I hope it encourages someone. Trust God with your future, as He is reminding me, every single day, to trust Him with mine. (Psalm 115:11, Matthew 11:28) Maybe not everyone who reads this post will have these same struggles. But I certainly do. And if you do too, this is for you.


Wait for nothing.


// Amaris //

p.s. Thank you for all the sweet comments on my last post <3

Psalm 86 // Aesthetic

Well, peeps, this year has been hard so far. 
2016 was really good.
2017 was pretty good.
2018 was ok...

But 2019, man. 
Big oof.

But anyways, in spite of some interesting things going on in my life, the LORD has really been a comfort to me in the last few months, and I think my relationship with Him has grown in ways like it never has. 
The Psalms, especially, have been a place of refuge to me.
As you read, try to just take a deep breath, calm your thoughts, and let these beautiful words speak to you.
Now here you are. A post. 
To praise the God of Psalm 86. (NASB) 

// Psalm 86 //

Incline Your ear, O Lord, and answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy. 

Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man;
O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You.

  

Be gracious to me, O Lord,
For to You I cry all day long.

Instagram: @est._1998

Make glad the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.

Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;
And give heed to the voice of my supplications!

In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me.

Instagram: @est._1998

There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord,
Nor are there any works like Yours.

All nations whom You have made shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And they shall glorify Your name.

 For You are great and do wondrous deeds;
You alone are God.

Instagram: @est._1998

  Teach me Your way, O Lord;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.

I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever.

For Your lovingkindness toward me is great,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

O God, arrogant men have risen up against me,

And a band of violent men have sought my life,
And they have not set You before them.

Instagram: @est._1998

 But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth.

  

Turn to me, and be gracious to me;
Oh grant Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your handmaid.

  

Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Instagram: @est._1998

-Amaris

Too Great to Fathom

(Note: This isn't a song, nor is it a poem. It is an overflow of praise in my heart; inspired by the greatest love ever shown.)

It's freeing, it's sobering.

It's humbling, it's satisfying.

It's gratifying, it's loving.

It's timeless, it's wonderful.

// There isn't anything like it. //

It rights every wrong.

It bridges every gap.

It makes grown men weep.

It makes the weak strong.

 

In my worst days, it is there.

In my best days, it is there.

It is the foundation of every good thing.

// There isn't anything like it. //

From it flows love.

From it flows peace.

From it alone flows redemption.

Redemption.

What a sweet, sweet word!

  Like sugar on my lips.

Wrong has been made right.

Defeat has turned to victory.

Timidity turns to power!

// There isn't anything like it. //

Hate becomes love.

Resentment becomes forgiveness.

Pride becomes humbled.

Simple enough for a child.

Yet it baffles the wisest man.

It is a comfort to the lonely.

It is power for the weak.

It is prosperity for the lowly.

It is refuge for the condemned.

It is delight for the oppressed.

// There isn't anything like it. //

.

.

.

You might have already guessed it; it's the gospel. 

  ~

As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, the living God; When shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

Psalm 42:1-3 

Many are the afflictions of the righteous. But the LORD delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 34:19

O LORD, open my lips, that my mouth may declare Your praise.

Psalms 51:15

~ 

-Amaris

// 2018: A Summary //

Hello, peeps! I have returned with a 2018 review... and I'm only about two weeks late, hehe. :)
But that's ok. This year, I decided that I will do the 'New Years Tag' thing that I've seen floating around various blogs for the past couple of years.
Let's get started.

From my Instagram @amaris_todd

// The Year 2018 // 

What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before?
I went to an outdoor theater for the first time!!! It was such a fun experience.

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make one this year?
I only had one goal, to try to watch more movies. And I succeeded!! I watched over 50  movies this year! I am planning on publishing my 'big epic movie list of 2018' soon, so that you can see what I thought of each movie I watched this year.

What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
I would like to have more education in art, and a laptop. :)

What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory?
This might sound dumb, but that would be the day I got my first smartphone, the iPhone X. The day we got it, we went to Lion's Choice afterward, and every time we go to that same location, I remember the mood and the vibes I had from that first day I got my phone.
Oh, and also May 20th! The day we officially moved! I remember what it was like to spend the last night in my old room.... a very unique feeling. It's like going away for vacation, knowing you'll miss your home but you'll soon be back... except you won't be back. And you know it.

@amaris_todd

What was the best month?
Possibly July, because the VBS that I taught in was absolutely amazing. October was also really good, because I attended an art class and did a lot of other fun stuff with my best friend that month. :)

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Probably just the things that God taught me this year about Him, and how that will affect my teaching children about God.

What was your biggest failure?
That I didn't read more books.  :( I really love books, but unfortunately at the end of many stressful days this year, I just didn't feel like a book. I hope to improve on this more in the coming year, though!

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing a moon exhibit at our local science center! They had the entire command module from Apollo 11. :) It was really fun to see. I also just got generally more excited to hang out with friends more, which is more than I ever used to do.

@amaris_todd

What was an unexpected surprise? 
God brought a few friendships to me that I didn't know would be so important to me, and I'm so glad He did. <3 I also started going to a different church. It was difficult, since I'd been going to my previous church for 10+ years, but I'm so glad I did and I know I'm supposed to be at this new church.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I had gotten out and exercised more. :/

How did you spend Christmas?
It was just a small party of me and two others. We spent the day inside relaxing and doing activities. I worked on drawing. It was rather nice.

How did you spend New Year’s?
We pretty much did the above answer, but add watching 'Forrest Gump' and eating homemade chili. :)

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018:
I don't have to do or be anything to make God love me more. He already loves me, once and for all, whether my day is good or bad.
Also, if you pretend to be something you're not to impress/make other people happy, it's gonna get old eventually. Be you. If you don't know what 'you' is, figure it out and don't be afraid to be it. Negative people are everywhere. Even people you think are close to you might be a source of negativity in your life. Watch out for them, and don't change who you are for them unless you know God is using them to change you. <3

@amaris_todd

Compared to this time last year, are you: 
Happier or sadder? Sadder.But don't be alarmed... I'm a sad person in general. It's the way of things for me right now. Nothing has directly caused me to be sad.
Thinner or fatter? I have to admit a bit fatter. But I am hoping to walk more this year, and also eat more vegetables, to live the best life of taking care of the body God so graciously gave me! :) 
Richer or poorer? Well, I'm definitely making more money than this time last year, but I also have more expenses now... so it kind of evens out. 

Five things I want to do in 2019:
1. Make memories with my friends more, and be there for people.
2. Keep drawing!
3. Take overall mental and physical health more seriously.
4. Keep growing closer to God and learning from Him.
5. Explore more of my hometown- such as best restaurants, places to go, attractions, etc.!

What kept you sane?
God, my best friend Tessa (This Great Adventure!), and my good friend I made through VBS, Maggie.

Did you move anywhere? 
Yes! We moved about 20 minutes away from our old house on May 20th, 2018. The good thing is that I am now 2 minutes from my job, which is right down the street!I love that setup, hehe. I also quit my job at Michael's in April. But that was a good change.

Did you try anything local from your hometown that you've never tried before? 
I'm planning on exploring more of my town this year, but I did go to an outdoor theater during Summer 2018, and I really liked it! :)

What countries/states did you visit? 
Absolutely none. This, unfortunately, was a source of depression for me this year, because I love to travel and see things and go places (my mom calls me a 'free bird'), and I didn't have the money or the time to, nor was I in a position to travel, which makes me rather sad.
The saddest part is, this is the 4th year in a row I haven't traveled far from my home. I feel kinda stuck sometimes. Also I'm poor.
...
Ok that answer was depressing. *fake laugh*

Where did most of your money go?
Other than general expenses from living in an apartment (which are b o r i n g), probably clothes. I kind of figured a style for myself in 2018 too... but I'm still learning about that.

What was the best thing you bought? 
You know the answer! :) My iPhone X.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Thankfully, no.

What did you want and get?
Better drawing skills. :)

What did you want and not get?
So many things...like an iPad to start drawing digitally. :|

@amaris_todd

Did you fall in love in 2017?
Nope. I'll admit a few people caught my eye tho (*nervous laughter while hoping they never read this hehe ehe*), but nothing came of that.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 20 on my birthday, and.... if I remember correctly, I think we went shopping. I bought myself some clothes and makeup and stuff.

Did anyone close to you give birth or get pregnant?
Nope.

Did anyone close to you get married?
Nope.

Did anyone close to you die? 
Thankfully nope.

Who was the best new person you met?
I actually made some good friends online, once I got my phone. Several who actually read my blog, but blogging is kind of impersonal as far as chatting back and forth individually, so I didn't know what great peeps they were until I started chatting with them on Instagram! Social media also helped me re-connect with people I used to know when I was younger and doing homeshcooling, and I'm so glad because I never knew what great people they were and now we can hang out.

@amaris_todd

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
Trying, haha.
Actually, towards the end of the year I started taking my person fashion style more seriously. As mentioned previously, I'm still figuring things out and learning with fashion, but overall I'm more confident about my clothing choices than I was this time last year, and I'm happy with a number of clothing items I acquired in 2018!

What was the best book you read?
Show Them Jesus, by Jack Klumpenhower. Second most influential book I've ever read so far, hands down (the first being the Bible, of course). I actually read it twice in 2018, hehe.

What were your favorite books of this year?
I sadly didn't read a lot of books this year. :P I am working on 'Where We Belong' by Lynn Austin right now, which I started late in 2018, and I'm halfway through! It's pretty good. :)

What was your favorite TV show?
Poldark seasons 1-3 (we're gonna catch up and watch season 4 soon!). I also started randomly watching Victoria (with Jenna Coleman) one evening, and I kept watching because I looovee it. I am sad there was only a couple of seasons. Apparently they are making new episodes for 2019 and I can't wait! It's a beautiful, beautiful show. :)

@amaris_todd

What were your favorite films of this year?
I'm going to save that for my 'big epic movie list of 2018' post. :)

What was the best concert you’ve been to this year?
I don't really enjoy concerts very often because I get sensory overload (and big dark loud rooms with flashing lights kinda trigger my anxiety), but I did go to see MercyMe and I loved him. <3

What song/album will always remind you of 2017?
Owl City's Cinematic album came out on June 6th! I loved listening to it this year.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
The old band, Queen! I saw the movie 'Bohemian Rhapsody' in theaters and loved it, and it further assisted my growing Queen obsession. :) I don't recommend all the titles, but there are a lot of songs I do love. :) Same goes for Michael Jackson, whose music I also 'discovered' this year!
It was a good year, musically. I also started listening to more oldies (Dean Martin... ahhh... *heart eyes*), and reconnected with how much I love vintage. <3

@amaris_todd

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Tell me why I look back and I want to cry,
Sometimes I feel like we grew up too fast
You and I had the time of our younger lives
Sometimes I sigh and think about the past

But it's alright, cause everthing changes.
Owl City - Firebird (Alt. version)

// The End //

Well, peeps, that about sums it up. It was the craziest year of my life, and I changed more this year than I ever have. You know how there are some things you think will never change? Well, if you're between the ages of 15-25, think again, because it probably will. Almost everything I thought would never change, changed in 2018. That's the biggest reason it was such a crazy year!

It was a lot of change, but somehow I'm ok with it. I can always look back with fondness on the things I used to love and on the way things used to be, but there's so much more ahead. So, so much.
I read a (rather basic) quote on Instagram the other day.
 "Don't look back, you're not going that way"

Even though it's kinda basic and cliche, it inspired me.
I can't wait to see what 2019 holds. I am so excited.

Until next time, friends.
-Amaris

Time Passes

It's funny how humans make their little plans, and they have these little expectations for what they hope things to be like, as if they really had any control over the way things will actually turn out.

*a rather deep opening sentence to this post, i know*

For instance, this year went absolutely nothing how I expected it would.

There's only one thing that happened this year that went how I expected. My movie-watching plans! I determined to watch more movies this year, and by George, I definitely did! That I am glad of. There were many movies that really needed to be watched by me.
I kept a movie log throughout the year, and I plan to hopefully post it some time in December... if I can actually DO SOMETHING I PLAN, FOR ONCE.

Did you know I expected this year to be one of my biggest blogging years yet for The Storybook Journal? I had so many post ideas... I even planned to do some special blogging with my best friend, since she finally got a blog. But it turned out this was one of my smallest blogging years instead.

That's why I'm writing this post right now, actually. Just to say 'hello' to you all. I miss you, to be honest. I miss my blogging life.

But as one of my personal favorite influential Owl City songs states: 'Everything changes' (Firebird, Cinematic album).

Everything changes.

And you know what? I'm ok with that.

Change is... sad.
But it's good.
It can be bad too, of course, but when change is bad, you don't have to be hopeless because the bad will come full circle and change, yet again, to good.
Which, of course, grows faith in God the whole time.
It's really quite a good system.

I think I've changed more this year than any year in so far in my life. Both for good, and for bad.
Thankfully, God has remained the same. I've learned that I can always count on Him.
I'm still learning that.

Well, this post is a whole lot of nothing. As I said, I'm just popping in to say 'hello'. I am not gone; I'm still here. Just not blogging much.
That's all. I guess I'll go now.. but I suppose you want a little update on my life.

I impulsively started watching a show on Amazon Prime. It's just called 'Victoria'. Starting Jenna Coleman as Queen Victoria.
When it first began, the story line was rather slow, but I liked it. I always like some good, down-to-earth history drama. As the season went on (I just began watching Season Two), thing started heating up dramatically, and I am still really enjoying it! This is one of the only shows I don't watch with the rest of my family... so it's kind of 'my show'. :)

I've had a musical discovery as well... one which will quite surprise you. It's Queen. The old band. From the 70s-80s. I saw the movie 'Bohemian Rhapsody' in theaters (a movie not for everyone... view with discretion and a conservative movie review, pls), and to be honest I was really inspired by the creation of their hit music as well as the story behind everything they did.
Sure, I don't condone all of their songs (some of their songs have lyrics that are... *ahem* unworthy of my ears...) I only listen to the appropriate ones. I also don't support all the messages in the movie, which is why I recommend reading a conservative movie review about it before watching.
But still. Apart from those things, their songs have such a fun, chill vibe that I just can't help loving. <3 And I love the movie, too. In spite of some content. I would see it again in a heartbeat if someone asked me.

What else? Not too much has changed as far as significant events in my life since last I blogged. To be honest, it's been quite boring. :) But, a new year is coming, with new plans.
New ideas.
New expectations.

We'll see how it goes.

:) :) :) 

Goodbye, friends.
For now.

-Amaris