These are some things I've been up to in this regard, lately.
Researching Depression :
I have been very neglecting of my mental health in the past few months, and that's my own fault. I have also not been appropriately dealing with trauma from past experiences the way I should have. This has resulted in a very bad mental health situation. I have had more anxiety, more depression, more misery, more listlessness and purposelessness and more difficulty in completing every day tasks in the past 6 months than I should have.
I did some research a few weeks ago, and made a list of things that make depression worse, in order to kind of gauge where I'm at in order to help the situation by taking some steps in a better direction.
This is what I added to my list.
Things That Make Depression Worse:
1. Lack of Sleep / Sleep Disturbance / Over or Under sleeping
2. Stress
3. Not being active
4. Alcohol
5. Focusing on the negative / unhealthy thinking styles
6. Hormones
7. Not getting help
8. Low self-esteem
9. Isolation
10. Relationship issues
11. Consuming sugar & saturated fats
12. Engaging in destructive pleasure - seeking behavior
13. Staying away from sunlight
14. Getting caught in the rumination trap / replaying situations
15. Being around toxic people
16. Neglecting physical health
When my husband and I studied this list together, we discovered that I struggle, in varying degrees, with pretty much all of these! What!
It took a lot to fight off a feeling of hopelessness for my situation. My husband comforted me with the reminder of the fact that in the past year's time, I had been through a lot, emotionally speaking. I had lost close friends, I had been in a situation where I didn't know where I was going to live, I had been through a job change, been without a car, and moved. Not to mention planning a wedding and getting married - although these were good things.
It was a lot! It was around January and February of this year that it had been the most stressful, I was even struggling at work.
With my husband's help, in this area I can forgive myself for the struggles I am experiencing now. Life happened, and it was stressful. But now, I can pick up the pieces with my husband and my God by my side, helping me heal and grow - separated from a lot of bad situations that I was dealing with before I was in the place I am now.
So here's where I'm at. It might be tempting to look at this list and struggle with hopelessness at the impossibly long list of things that I've let happen that has caused a lot of problems with my mental and emotional state. But, I have a better God than that. And that God has given me a husband to stand by me, no matter what I'm struggling with. God has said to me, "it is time to heal".
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One of my most recent excursions in this journey of healing, has to do with a concept called "mindfulness". I am discovering this extremely powerful concept involving self - awareness, self - examination, and mindfulness. I am new to these ideas - but the difference of observing my thoughts as they appear in my brain from an objective viewpoint- with no judgment or self-deprecation, but simply observing and viewing what goes on in my brain rather than simply being controlled and told what to do by my thoughts and emotions - or worse, having no view of what's going on in my brain at all... like I have always done. This is making a huge difference in my life!!
Let me paint a scenario for you.
In the past, with no self-awareness, no mindfulness, and no ability to self - examine, a simple bout of the after-work grumps would have ended up with reacting poorly, which in turn makes my husband hurt, which in turn makes me look down on myself for hurting him, which in turn continues a destructive cycle of self-deprecation, low self-esteem, and even more feeling of low motivation and hopelessness.
But since I have prioritized the practice of these concepts in my life, this is what happened to me two nights ago.
My husband worked at 5 in the morning. So we woke up and had about 20 minutes of getting ready before I took him to work. I then worked at 11am, and didn't get home until about 8:30pm, about which time we went to bed.
But as we were trying to fall asleep, laying there in the dark, I found that I was feeling very grumpy. I was upset, moody, and irritable. I didn't question why, I had never done so. I was simply reacting and feeling it.
I was beginning to react to it like I always had, much to the confusion and bewilderment of my husband (who was wondering what was wrong with me, of course!) when I remembered what I had been learning about self-awareness of your own brain and emotions. And so in my head, I stepped back, and asked myself "what was I upset about?"
Believe me, this is not easy for me at all! And the deeper I dig inward, the harder on my pride and heart it is! It feels like physical pain, looking inward like this when dealing with feelings of anger, depression, sadness, and irritability - like this night. But, I dared to do it this time. I viewed my own psyche from an objective perspective - with no judgement, self-deprecation, or opinion. And I discovered something amazing for the first time in my life. I had control over what was going on in there. And I had the ability to view what was going on in there! Perhaps it seems simple to the reader, but remember, I have never done this before, nor has this ever been modeled for me. So I have years and years of habit and pattern-building going for me in the more destructive mindset.
Through this excruciating practice of peering inward, I realized that the reason I was feeling grumpy and upset was because I hadn't seen my husband all day, and I was really missing the fellowship and communion that I would usually have with him- which my work schedule had made impossible to do that day.
Even if you're able to read what's going on in your head, you might not be able to solve the thing that's causing your brain to feel this way in the moment.
But, that night, even though we were both tired, we were able to turn the light on, postpone our sleeping for a bit, and fellowship with each other for about an hour. We talked about our day, discussed my emotional discoveries, and shared the bond of community that I was craving to have with him.
This fellowship together, as well as the emotional discovery I had made for the first time probably in my life, was very rewarding and reason to celebrate for us.
And I knew, and I know, I wasn't hopeless. I am not hopeless.
God has told me, "It's time to heal. It's time to create new habits, and abandon old ones. It's time for newness."
I am so grateful that my God is all about newness. All about doing away with old, and putting on the new.
I know and trust in His plan that He has for my mental health, my marriage, and my life. And I am incredibly happy that the LORD is blessing my marriage and teaching me what it means to let go of the past and look to the future. I have never really done this. But it's invigorating and exciting. As well as scary and painful.
People at work make fun of me when I answer their "So how's married life?" question with "it's like creme brûlée at a fine dining restaurant ... seriously, like the best creme brûlée you've ever had in your life." But I don't know how else to describe how wonderful God is, how wonderful it is to have a partner that I can trust to lead me closer to the LORD, and lead me on this path of healing I am finding.
The LORD is so, so good.
Farewell for now, friends!
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